Back

SLA industries – Dead zone

Duke Gaylord - Tony
Felicity Flipoff - Derek
Dr Gregory Inz’ouse - Warren C
The Kurgen – Warren D
Uralie Darkshadow (maggot) - Dave
Yolo Stormrider - Dave

Mah journal by th' kurgen pairt yin

Huvin ended mah training efter a year ah gaed tae whaur ah cuid fin' wirk wit SLA. Ma and four others turned up. One was a right bampot who talked shite and all glowie from lumo (Dr Gregory Inz’duse), a Frother lass wit pouncy claes (Felicity Flipoff – shite name!), a sodger wit rifle (Duke Gaylord - Seems a'richt though he kin be bufty) and another who was right peecht oot from runnin’ up the stairs (Uralie Darkshadow - A pumpin' alien!). Seemed lik' a bunch o' cunts bit ah thought “whit th' bugger?” After a bit a wee man turns up and says he’s the man with the action so ma signs some shite and talks some jobby aboot oot radios then ma walks ta a room where ma heid gets done with a chip, fuckin aiya! The wee man says we ginna need a name so we go wit “Dead Zone” wit keeps awbidy happy. The wee man says to gang tae th' muckle loaby tae git a blue BNP so we does. Alien runs doon thirty flights o' stairs again, eejit. We donder oot o' th' elevator tae fin' th' loaby is pure stowed. Shite! We queue fur a lang time 'til we catch up wi` a jimmy wha gives us a contract. A right muckle pie-eater fud in rid 'n' yellow wi' a bufty accent and he says fur 10% he'll gies a jab paying twa hundred 'n' fitfy credits, so ma says aye! He says we hae tae gang downtown 'n' hulp oot th' polis 'n' speak tae a jimmy cried Captain Harris so off we goes. Ah hurl mah bike 'n' gie a hurl tae Duke, while th' ithers hurl in th' lassies jobby motor, wankers! Ah hurl sae fleet ah caw up afore a'body else, Duke manages tae hing oan bit he's pure scared! We come tae a motor crash whaur th' polis ur trying tae maintain order while wa gangs th' “Cobra khans” 'n' th' “Manic Mongooses” hae a shoot oot, tae o' limp dicked cunts if ye asked me. Duke telephones Captain Harris aboot whit tae dae ans is telt tae murdurr th' lot o' thaim. Stoatin! Ah pull oot mah pure massive sword 'n' sneak ower tae yin o' th' gangs 'n' duke comes wi' me. He uses me fur cover while ah attack th' closest yin. Ah choap doon twa 'n' intimidate th' rest wha gied the pitch lik' th' cowards they're. Oan th' ither side o' th' wynd th' wifie Frother does weel bit ah cannae see th' sniper, he mist hae hid his-sel awa' 'n' starting shooting. Efter th' gangs gied the pitch masell 'n' th' Doctor notice something unusual aboot th' motor. Sae ah rip opent he boot 'n' fin' a jimmy tied up ben. He says th' gang captured him fur he sold thaim defective guns. Th' wifie steals a keek at th' guns 'n' realises they're made by a rival corporation cried Mirk Knight, sae ah ca' th' wee jimmy 'n' request we investigate 'n' he authorises a white BNP Fur annur fifty credits. Stoatin! Catch ye wankers neist time!

Th' kurgens journal pairt twa

Th' jimmy in th' carboot said he wis cried Wainwright 'n' worked fur a criminal cried “Dreamer” wha worked oot o' downtown and he tellt us he cuid arrange a meetin wi' him tae blether aboot th' Mirk Nicht weapons. He cried his gaffer 'n' organised th' catch up wi` 'n' aff we gaed. Ah rode lik' th' win` while th' ithers gaed in Felicity’s jobby motor 'n' ah teuk Duke alang fur th' hurl. We arrived earlie 'n' decided tae trial th' jynt. In a lairge open courtyard ah spied Dreamer alang wi' twa lairge men in power armour wha wur duin fur trauchle. Thay didnt frighten me sae ah traivelt ower 'n' said awright and at this point ah clocked he hud placed snipers oan th' roof. Ah introduced masell 'n' he seemed a'richt though he wanted tae blether tae a' o' th' Deid Zone sae ah waited fur thaim tae caw up. Whin thay eventually did turn up in thair jobby motor Uralie decided tae creep up onto th' roof, whaur he wis immediately spotted by th' snipers as he wis crap. Dreamer welcomed back wainwright then promptly shot him fur dealing Mirk Nicht weapons behind his back, he shored us a deal, efter making it keek lik' Wainwright hud bin tortured we wur tae dump th' body back whaur he fun him 'n' he wid let us ken whaur Mirk Nicht wur based. Sae ah gaed tae toun oan th' corpse bit wis ower eager 'n' butchered th' body, bit ah thought whit th' bugger a deid mans a deid jimmy! Dreamer said he cuid offer us wirk in th' future bit ah tellt him a dinnae wirk fur criminals He headed bacvk tae whaur he fought th' gangs 'n' dumped th' body, Dreamer rang us tae say we shuid speak tae wainwrights flatmate then gave us his address downtown. He leed in a real shithole 'n' efter ah kicked in his door we fun him fukcing a hoor in his bedroom. While felicty chatted up th' whore in her usual bufty fashion ah gaed tae wirk oan th' jimmy, he wis solid 'n' it teuk me twenty minutes o' torture tae crack him but efter ah pulled oot his left yak he confessed tae bein' a Mirk Nicht. He tellt me he 'n' five ithers operated oot o' th' th' basement o' "Brother Jonathans shelter fur th' homeless", yit anither shithole tae keek at! Efter he spilled th' beans ah crushed his skull 'n' felicity choaped aff his heid. We drove tae th' shelter 'n' gaed ben whaur Brother Jonathan led us tae th' basement. Ah injected masell wi' th' gear: Bass, Beat 'n' Rush sae ah wis set fur th' upcoming rammy We tried smoukin doon bit Uralie goosed up 'n' made a noise, sae ah kicked in th' door 'n' charged th' naurby mirk nicht wha wur hiding lik' cowards in th' mirk. Duke bolted fur some reason 'n' Uralie pulled oot a wee sword whilk paled in is it the same or no beside mah pure massive sword. Th' rammy wis short 'n' brutal, Felicity did a'richt whilst ah skillfully dispatched three o' th' men, Uralie wis a pumpin' boggin' fud! Efter we murdurred thaim a' we searched th' basement 'n' fun some Mirk Nicht guns, time tae collect oot reward! See ye neist time bugger heids!

Journal o' th' kurgen pairt three

Efter oor success wi' th' afore mission we wur invited tae th' “Pit Dancin” by Herman, oor pie-eater financier, 'twas frequented by SLA operatives 'n' wis a huge cathedral lik' steid. Herman shored tae buy th' foremaist dram 'n' we accepted, ben th' dancin hunners o' fowk wur jiggin, swallyin taking gear 'n' trying tae shag, a huge telly screen wis showing various SLA operatives killing 'n' maiming 'n' muckle tae mah surprise Felicity appeared. She wis approched by a sponsor fae th' "Homespun Knitware" channel wha shored her a hundred credits a munth tae promote thair jobby 'n' she accepted, glaikit fud! Ah teuk some gear 'n' gaed wi' Herman tae git mah free dram, ah then gaed oan th' dance flair tae pull a lassie fur efter. At this point a jimmy spilled th' maggots dram 'n' seemed ferr chuffed aboot it, sae seeing a rammy brewing ah gaed ower tae sort it a' oot, turns oot he wis a frother cried "Max Overdrive" fae a freendly clan wha kept slaggin aff th' maggot sae he wis a'richt by me! Ah bought him a dram 'n' chatted fur awhile whilst th' rest o' th' Deadzone goosed aboot. A wifie approched Duke 'n' ah overheard her introduce herself as Elliot 'n' she wanted tae bugger him as she believed his faither wis th' infamous serial "Halloween Jack" glaikit boot! At aboot th' identical time a twat in overalls cam ower 'n' tried tae sell some stupidly overpriced ammo tae maggot 'n' th' doctor 'n' thay 'greed. Idiots! Ah git stoogied 'n' left wi' mah lassie 'n' met up wi' Max 'n' challenged him tae a race hame fur fifty credits. Ah gunned mah bike 'n' sae did he afore crashing, whit a twat! Ah raced hame 'n' goosed th' lassie then met up wi' Deadzone th' neist day. Herman hud a freish BNP fur us, a Kennie Samael wanted us tae take the motor a bus load o' annoying kids tae a freish building fae thair orphanage as an episode o' "Gorezone" wis bein' filmed thare by third yak speirins wha cam wi' us oan th' bus. Felicty drove th' bus at a pure slow speed tae th' orphanage whaur we met Jacklynne Kelly, th' superintendant, an auld, solid, boot. Ah talked tae her 'n' discovered that she haes plenty o' subversive thoughts against SLA whilk seemed tae pure upset her. We hud seventy pumpin' kids tae load onto th' bus 'n' while ah teuk some gear tae calm doon th' rest o' Deadzone goosed aboot again. Th' guid speirins cam whin we received a Gray BNP fae th' cloak division tae murdurr th' superintendent in whilk a'd tak' stoatin buzz. As we wur aboot tae lea th' Gorezone crew turned up wi' some famous SLA operatives. Amongst thaim wis "Deliah th' Destroyer" wha teuk a fancy tae me! We finally left th' pumpin' orphage 'n' stairted th' slow take the motor tae th' freish building. Ah rode shotgun oan mah bike as ah pumpin' hate kids. Felicty drove th' bus 'n' managed tae skelp mah bike 'n' ah made it clear howfur pure upset ah wis wi' her th' glaikit fud ! Efter whit seemed forever we cam tae a road block wi' a Shiver patrol sae ah rode ower tae see whit wis gaun oan, it turns oot thay wur imposters 'n' shored me a thousand credits tae haun ower th' kids tae thaim, Ah thought bugger that 'n' sliced th' jimmy talking tae me, at th' identical time thair wis a stramash behind me wi' screeching tires 'n' gunshots. Ah murdurred anither numpty then realised that Felicty wis trying tae take the motor th' bus bygane th' roadblock. Th' shivers wild fired 'n' ah wis skelp loads times, fortunately ah teuk some stoatin gear whilk offset th' pain. See ye neist time maggots!

Th' journal o' th' kurgen pairt four

Maggot threw a gas grenade whilst th' Third Yak crew cowered in tha back o' th' bus. Meanwhile ah wis hacking awa' at th' enemy whin ah wis shot twa times 'n' gaed doon fur th' count, fortunately mah gear kicked in saving mah lee 'n' ah decided tae speil deid untll an opportunity tae rammy presented itself. Whilst a' this wis gaun oan Felictity tae take the motor th' bus intae a shop injuring some screaming kids, boo hoo! Then Dr Gregory Jumpt oot o' th' bus 'n' teuk some jobby while Duke fired fae behind cover killing yin motherfucker. Th' kick stairt hud healed me enough sae ah cuid crawl tae mah pure massive sword 'n' Duke fired again killing anither bas. Realising thay wur getting thair asses kicked th' shooters bolted lik' girls, we hud won. Ah git back tae th' bus tae fin' jacklynne kelly hud bin shot deid, guid pumpin' riddance! This shitty BPN wis complete sae ah gave Duke a lee back tae SLA tae repair mah bullet hurled armour 'n' stock up oan mah bonnie gear.Th' guid speirins cam whin ah git a contract fae "Denti-fresh mouthwash" tae promore thair jobby fur fifteen doses o' Kickstart Solo a munth, th' downside wis ah hud tae wey thair crap logo oan mah helmet. Dzone git a silver BPN neist, we hud tae dress up lik' homosexuals 'n' blether aboot th' waither aroond toun, whit a pumpin' shite o' time. We catch up wi` th' telly crew: Micheal Fairweather th' Anchorman 'n' a tot wanker, Stefan Stormosun, an hackit, howfin piece o' jobby wha constanlty teuk th' pish 'n' someone ah swore tae behead yin day 'n' Dewitt O'brien a totally bufty make-up artist wha talked aboot locks 'n' jobby a' day lang whit a fudge-packer! We wur tae blether at "The Pit" foremaist sae whin ah arrived thare ahead o' th' rest o' Dzone ah performed a power skiite while Duke jumpt aff headlong intae a group gathered ootdoors, whit an eejit! Fairweather say he wasnt happy wi' mah performance, lik' ah gave a flying bugger. Whin th' rest turned up we gaed ben "The Pit" 'n' Dr in d'ouse acted lik' a pimp ad pulled six wummin. Ah wis stoogied tae tears by noo 'n' teuk some "Alice" whilk wis unfortunate as ah wis soon bein' chased by a giant white rabbit. Maggot wis usin` sign leid tae promote his gun sponsor bit kept pumpin' it up, whit a tot loser! Efter we talked some jobby aboot th' waither we headed oot onto th' Arthur Douglas memorial bridge , whaur ah persuaded Fairweather tae let me race o'er tae improve oot Dzones telly ratings. Ah did stoatin though Duke wis pure scared. Juist whin ah thought this pumpin' BPN wis finally ower we hud tae dae anither blether aboot th' shitty waither at th' tap o' th' Exogensis tower. Christ let it end! Whin th' ither losers haes stopped talking ah did a brillant speech anaw a famous frother song whilk gaed as follows: "The waither wis ill oan Cragnor Seven, mah brother in arms fought lik' lions. Blood wis spilled oan that day oot oan th` rim, come let us greet we win we win!" Dinnae forgoat tae read mah neist journal ye maggots!

Th' journal o' th' kurgen pairt five

Efter oor lest mission ened we headed aff tae “Th' Pit” tae celebrate. Max Overdrive wis thare 'n' ah asked him howfur his bike wis. We contacted Herman oor pie-eater financier wha haes a freish jab fur us, 'twas th' usual jobby - crowd control in some shithole, whit a shite o' mah talents, bit 'twas paying weel sae ah finished mah dram, tellt Max Overdrive tae pick a windae, yer leavin' 'n' rode ower thare whilst th' rest o' th' Dzone follaed in Felicitys crap motor. Twa lorries hud collided tae cause a traffic jeely whilk we bypassed by driving thro' th' underpass 'n' arrived at Newhart george. Thare wur aroond yin hundred protestors fae th' “Downtown residents welfare action division” whilk in mah book spelled “wankers”. Th' maggot tried tae blether nicely tae thaim as he is a twat whilst ah rode up in mah bike 'n' tellt thaim wha wis gaffer, at this point ah spotted a rocket shoot up fae somwhere in th' crowd tae skelp th' road running overhead. It blew a chuck oot thro' whilk a lorry fell intae a chemical warehoose 'n' a motor landed oan a railway track. Gregory spotted a jimmy 'n' a wifie running awa' wi' an RPG sae ah gunned mah bike 'n' shouted fur him tae jump oan th' back sae we cuid pursue thaim. Maggot anf Felicity gaed tae hulp they trapped in th' motor, howfur noble. Meanwhile th' crowd git spooked 'n' stairted tae scatter. Th' wifie headed fur a bus sae Gregory jumpt aff mah bike 'n' gaed efter her while th' shooter bolted fur his motor 'n' ah continued tae chase him. Ah easily caught up wi' him 'n' shoved mah sword thro' his chest, thought th' boaby suker manged tae fire aff anither rocket whilk skelp me 'n' mah bike, mither numpty! Ah crashed 'n' gaed doon solid 'n' nearly bought th' croft, bit ah cannae be murdurred easy as ah skelp mah gear loads times tae bade alive 'n' rammy thro' th' pain, a'm invincible! Ah a'maist passed oot at this point bit wis tellt efter that some mutant pigs hud smelled th' chemical spill 'n' decided tae sloch some civilians, th' Maggot 'n' Felicity rescued th' poeple trapped in th' motor then pulled th' motor aff th' rail tracks, though ah doubt th' Maggot helped muckle. Loads pigs gaed efter thaim 'n' Felicity bravely fought thaim aff. Unfortunately Maggot mist hae smelled lik' his name 'n' wasn't eaten, mores th' pity! Back oan th' bus th' wifie teuk a hostage 'n' threatened tae murdurr her, he shot her 'n' let th' hostage git murdurred, och weel. By this time ah hud recovered enough tae fin' mah bonny bike hud bin wrecked 'n' th' shooter wis deid in his noo goosed up motor. Ah recovered mah sword 'n' searched his corpse, his name wis Thomas Van Derherken an on th' broo loser fae th' Downtown welfare division, guid riddance. We'd finished th' BPN 'n' collected oor dosh, ah caught th' train tae th' naurby hospital as ah ower die than be seen in Felicitys pile o' jobby motor. Th' guid speirins is th' sexy Gorezone starn - Deliah th' destroyer visited me in hospital 'n' tellt me howfur deperately she wanted tae bugger me, clatty boot, she even gave me a freish bike as a doon jiro.Th' guid speirins wasnt tae lest though as Gregory’s mukker - Anton Conway th' fud wha knocked ower mah auld bike hud a jab fur us. We met th' piece o' jobby 'n' he gaed oan 'n' oan aboot howfur we wur tae kidnap some wifie 'n' nae hurt a'body, th' jimmy is a complete gibble. Ah lost interest at this point 'n' let mah colleague’s tak' doon th' aw the info. Though ah fun oot efter th' idiots hadn't asked fur her description or whaur we cuid fin' her. Twats. Catch ye neist time ye cunts!

Chapter six o' Th' Kurgen's journal

Weel a'm back again wi' mair tales tae astonish. We hud tae git an annoying wifie oot o' her affice 'n' thro' th' sewers tae a warehouse in th' middle o' nowhere, Christ alone kens how come. Felicity gaed tae scout oot th' area while th' rest o' Dzone chatted aboot whit tae dae fur hours 'n' hours, while whilk ah wis stoogied tae tears. Thay finally decided oan twa teams fur th' mission: Duke 'n' Gregory wid pose as repair technicians 'n' attempt tae gain access tae Tara's affice 'n' masell, Maggot 'n' Felicty wid pretend tae be hurl lift technicians 'n' git in th' building that wey, whit oan earth cuid gang wrong? Duke 'n' Gregory git in easy enough bit wur stopped by security, Duke handed him some bullshit aboot th' lifts bein' linked tae Tara's affice 'n' fun oot she wis oan th' 6th flair room 37. Th' secuirty guard searched Gregory's toolbox 'n' fun his guns bit let him thro' anyway, whit a dickhead! Meanwhile th' real professionsals arrived 'n' wi' that ah mean masell, unfortunately Maggot 'n' Felicty tagged alang tae bugger hings up efter. Ah shot th' breeze wi' th' guard wha seemed tae catch th' wrong end o' th' peely-wally 'n' thought ah wis an eejit 'n' bufty sae ah made a in yer heid note tae beat th' jobby oot o' him efter. Gang yin fun Tara's affice 'n' bullshitted her aboot th' power tae th' lifts gaun thro' thare or some ither tekky nonsense 'n' she wasnt persuaded at foremaist, bit Duke talked 'n' talked 'til she eventually let then in 'n' thats whin Gregory tried tae drug her, she proved tae be a pure tough wifie 'n' it teuk th' twa o' thaim tae finally bring her doon, amateurs! Back wi' gang twa 'n' ah wis grawin stoogied waiting fur something tae happen sae ah decided tae fin' some fags. Ah remembered spotting a guard patrol oan th' wey up tae th' lifts sae ah gaed aff tae see if ah cuid blag some. Traivelin doon th' stairs ah bumped intae Gregory wha said thay hud th' wifie 'n' said tae follow him upby, upby, doonby - mak' up yer pumpin' mynd! We ariived at th' womans affice 'n' thare wis anither mind-numbing discussion aboot whit tae dae 'til Felicity surprised us a' by usin` her brain fur wance 'n' saying we cuid haul her oot oan th` windae cleaning cradle, smart! Ah picked up th' wifie 'n' carried her towards th' roof, oor usual ill luck caused a jimmy tae emerge fae his affice as ah wis traivelin bygane sae ah threw her at him 'n' doon he gaed lik' a sack o' neeps. Ah thought it best tae mak' sure he wis oot fur th' count 'n' gaed tae batter him whin ah slipped oan th' flair, skelp th' fire alarm instead 'n' set if aff, pumpin' hell! Th' jobby hud skelp th' fan sae Duke 'n' Gregory legged in oot tae lea me tae carry th' kin. Felicity picked up th' wifie 'n' ah follaed her doonby, ah didnae gie a bugger as tae whit Maggot micht be daein' though he did say something tae me whilk ah dingyed. In th' lobby a' body wis running aboot 'n' screaming thinking th' building wis oan fire, ah pretended tae be doolally wi' fear 'n' made it ootdoors onto th' wynd As oor afore plan wis goosed Felicity threw th' wifie oot a foremaist story windae 'n' ah caught her then bolted towards th' sewer, mah quick thinking hud saved th' day again! Th' rest wis a blur as ah raced towards th' sewer wi' th' wifie ower mah shoulder complaining th' hail time, th' annoying boot. We jumpt intae th' sewers 'n' ah wis tellt we hud tae donder thro' twa miles o' fukcing awfy jobby tae reach th' dropoff point, this wis mah breaking point 'n' ah geezit a fag afore a traivelin anither step. Maggot teuk point, nae that ah cared 'n' he signalled back efter we hud slogged thro' th' jobby fur awhile that someone wis headed oor wey sae ah jumpt intae even mair jobby fur cover, howfur clever is that? A gigantic motherfucker appeared alang wi' seven Carrion mutants. He wis cried "Old Herb" 'n' enjoyed eating fowk particularly bairns loads o' wham he wis carrying in a poke ower his misshapen back, whit a monster! Ah generously shored tae trade Maggot fur th' kids bit he mist hae bin a connoisseur 'n' knew whit jobby tasted lik'. He then teuk a fancy tae oor wifie bit we declined as we wouldn't git paid if she wis eaten though it wid hae shut her up! Th' bairns he wis aff tae sloch pleaded wi' us tae save thaim 'n' ah wis th' ainlie yin that seemed concerned, ah jalouse th' rest o' Dzone ur a bunch o' pure heartless motherfuckers. Ah considered mah options bit wi'oot weapons a'd hae hud mah bahookie handed tae me sae ah reluctantly let him gang. Th' rest o' th' trip wis uneventful 'n' we climbed up a manhole intae th' fresh nicht air. Nae far wey wis th' dropoff point - a rundown warehouse whaur Maggot wid na doubt cop at hame. Ah wis knackered efter th' trip 'n' huvin tae carry th' wifie sae ah pulled up a crate, lit a fag 'n' waited fur oor contacts tae collect th' wifie. A' body else hid lik' girls except maggot wha climbed onto th' roof, at least ah wouldn't hae tae keek at his sorry coupon. O' coorse th' sorry haun o' fate dealt us anither jobby deck as seven fowk approched th' warehouse afore throwing in gas grenades ower than facing us lik' real men. Ah grabbed a guid length o' metal piping fae th' ground 'n' gaed aboot teaching thaim th' errors o' thair ways! Catch up wi' me neist time ye sorry motherfuckers!

Journal o' Th' Kurgen pairt Seven

Thare wur five motherfuckers attacking us, four wi' pistols 'n' thair leader wi' gid armour 'n' a sword. Thay cam intae th' warehouse under cover. He cried oot fur us tae haun ower th' annoying wifie tae whilk ah replied "fuck off!" 'n' tae whilk he replied "kill them!” crakin' bloke. It a' turned a bawherr confusing fur me as ah decided tae charge th' lot o' thaim wi' ainlie mah pipe, needless tae say ah git shot tae bugger 'n' hud tae retreat. Duke returned fire whilst ah pumped masell stowed oot o' healing gear. Ah hae tae admit we wur woefully outclassed by thae guys. Thier leader cried oot again fur us tae deliver him th' wifie 'n' ah said we wid, a'm na feartie-cat bit ah didnae wantae die fur th' annoying fud either. Felicity 'n' Duke seemed intent oan dying sae ah closed mah een 'n' waited fur th' end, juist then a hail o' gunfire broke oot ripping intae oor assailants. Twa o' thaim wur murdurred forcing thair leader tae surrender 'n' striding in cam pumpin' Anton Conway wi' th' rest o' his Cloak Division slime, it turns oot that th' wifie wis his daughter 'n' he wis usin` her tae lure oot "Wildfire", ex-SLA Ops wha thay haes bin chasing, sounded lik' a hunners o' bollocks tae me, how come nae coupon thaim oot in front ower than a' this subterfuge jobby,? aye th' dosh wis guid sae ah tellt him tae pick a windae, yer leavin' 'n' gaed tae "The Pit" fur drinks. Met up wi' Herman wha announced that Duke hud earned a sponsorship fae "Power Projects", he wid noo git his armour repaired fur free, jammy bas! ah git mah free gear fae mah sponsor sae wis happy as a'd bin downing thaim lik' margaritas while happy oor in th' lest rammy. At this point a guid keekin jimmy in flash cloths cam ower 'n' introduced his-sel as "Tony Fury" anither pumpin' financier, thae fuckers ur aw weys! He said he wis a muckle deal in tellybox 'n' media 'n' wanted tae run th' BPNs fur us fae 'ere oan oot, as he seemed th' real deal we 'greed 'n' gave Herman th' boot, tough luck ye pie-eating basturd! Tony wanted us tae tak' pairt in an upcoming episode o' "Downtown Deathrace", a'd finally git tae hurl mah bike fur profit 'n' fame sae ah wis in. He an' a' hud a BPN fur us involving investigating a skin trading operation, it a' sounded terribly complicated sae ah left th' aw the info fur Duke tae sort oot as he loues a' that talking 'n' jobby. Afore ah fell asleep fae boredom Duke rang oor contact, a Benedict Armstrong, wha explained that it wid entail cunning ower than a straight-up rammy, whit a pumpin' surprise! He figured that as we'd hud a run-in wi' th' Skin Traders afore thay wid hae a beef wi' us 'n' waant some payback. We'd hae tae capture some alive then torture thaim fur speirins, whilk wid be mah absolute buzz. Afore we cuid git tae th' guid stuff though we'd hae tae appear oan a quiz shaw, jobby! This sae cried entertainment wis cried "Yoke fur Brains" whaur twa teams hud tae answer a bunch o' pointless questions fur prizes, sae we gaed alang tae th' studio 'n' met th' vacuous presenter: a wifie cried Miriam, crakin' tits though. Ah wis feeling bonny shattered at this point as ah forgot tae mention that Deliah th' Destroyer turned up at Th' Pit th' afore forenicht 'n' tellt me she wanted tae hae no nice throwing a sausage up a close, she wasn't kidding as she goosed mah brains oot 'n' even buggered me up mah bahookie . Clatty boot! Anyway ah digress, we wur up against anither gang wha's name ah forgoat bit christ thay wur an hackit bunch o' wankers. Whin th' shaw stairted ah decided tio gang foremaist, 'n' fun masell up against Gordo, an auld bas wi' plenty o' scars, though ah doubt he earned thaim in battle. Th' air heid wifie asked me questions oan SLA lee tae whilk ah did a'richt then ah hud tae torture some brassic wifie fur a batch, unfortunately ah wis a bawherr slow 'n' Gordo won, aye 'twas ainlie pretend. Duke wis up neist agianst a wee guy cried Mouser 'n' he chose guns as his topic o' pointlessness. He certainly knew his stuff 'n' did a'richt 'til th' challenge at th' end whilk he goosed up, 'twas sae stoatin' ah a'maist woke up. Th' shaw wis a'maist ower thank God whin Felicity teuk centur stage against a rid headed twat cried Slipknot, wha thought he wis a frother, bit keeked lik' a clown , anyway Felicity won hauns doon efter butchering some carrion. Dzone hud won whoopdee pumpin' dae! mynd ye th' prizes wur guid, we ilk hud won a set o' gid armour though a'd hae tae up mah drug intake tae compensate fur th' lack o' movement nae that ah gave a jobby. Sae th' neist step wis tae take the motor ower tae anither God awfy orphanage, pick up a bunch o' annoying kids oan deathrow 'n' hawp th' skin traders wid set an ambush fur us, a' in th' day fur a member o' SLA ah suppose. Catch up wi' me neist time tae see howfur we fared ye morbid motherfuckers!

Th' journal o' th' kurgen pairt eight

Efter th' quiz shaw we drove tae th' Usher orphanage Tae pick yup six brats tae uise as bait tae lure oot th' skin traders. Thay wur bein' kept in a seperate room 'n' thought SLA wur a bunch o' cunts. Yin bairn cried Freddie shawed promise as a warrior 'n' ah contacted HQ tae tae whither he cuid be re-educated bit th' answer wis na. Th' rest o' thaim stairted bleating lik' lambs, complaining that lee wis sae unfair 'n' howfur ill we wur, ah juist wanted tae git th' hell oot o' thare sae we dragged thaim oot kicking 'n' screaming. As we approched th' train station ah realised that thare wis na whaur safe tae keep mah bike sae ah hauled bahookie tae th' ticket affice 'n' tried tae persuade a SLA op cried Frank tae hulp, as he wis a worm he refused sae ah made a in yer heid note tae bugger him up at a efter date then parked mah bike. We bundled th' kids onto th' train 'n' as ah waved cheerio the nou tae mah bike, Duke decided tae tell me that hud seen a tae o' a bin howker wankers eying her up, cheers fur letting me ken beforehand ye jobby! Th' train sped aff at heich speed 'n' wis sae crammed stowed oot o' commuters that mah power pure massive sword wid be boggin' in a rammy sae ah switched tae mah gash fist instead, a'd be pure up claise 'n' personal this time! As Mort wis sae muckle th' train hurl wid tak' ages sae ah lit up a cop guid 'n' tried tae relax. Nearby Duke wis haen clishmaclaiver wi twa o' th' kids fur some reason, best tae let thaim ken thair fate than molly coddle thaim lik' babies. A' body else o' th' train wis day dreaming sae 'twas doon tae me tae shout oot tae tak' cover whin ah heard a distant explosion whilk cut th' power, finally we'd hae some action! Ah teuk up a defensive position while a' body else bolted aroond screaming 'n' shitting themselves in fear. Felicity pat oan her IR goggles tae hae a beetr keek see in th' mirk. Ah turned oan mah flashlight 'n' spied some skin trader scum at th' rear o' oor carriage sae ah teuk a skelp o' mah freish drug "Ultraviolence", bugger me ah thought rush wis guid stuff bit this wis th' dugs bollocks! Feeling lik' a million credits ah teuk oot a power disk 'n' threw at yin o' th' shitheads, it bit deep 'n' he fell doon lik' a sack o' spuds, this wis aff tae be tae easy. Th' rest o' th' rammy wis ower juist as quickly as Felicity headed doon th' front o' th' carriage 'n' punched thro' yin sorry motherfuckers chest wi' hwer gash fist afore handing him his aye beating hert, pure class, pity she's sic a twat ootdoors combat. By th' end o' th' rammy four o' th' skln traders wur oot cauld 'n' th' rest o' thaim wur mince bridie as whaur maist o' th' civilians in th' carriage. Four o' oor kids hud an' a' bin shot bit at least thay wur spared an execution. Th' guid speirins wis th' fin wid begin, a'd git tae torture thae pieces o' jobby fur speirins. Ah picked yin 'n' gaed tae wirk 'n' it wasn't lang afore we drookit his-sel 'n' gave us whit we wanted tae ken. Th' skin traders leader wis cried "Skrag" or something 'n' thair source o' speirins ben sla wis none ither than Delilah th' Destroyer, pumpin' hell! 'n' oan that bomb shell ah will lea ye sorry shitheads 'til neist time, sae hoast if ye'v aye git a pair!

Th' kurgens journal pairt nine

Efter lest journals revelation ah gaed hame 'n' hud mah bike resprayed, yin hundred 'n' fifty credits whit a ripoff! ah then headed aff wi' duke in tow tae tak' pairt in th' "Downtown Death Race", finally something worthy o' mah skills! We arrived ootdoors a swanky telly studio 'n' wur led intae some dressing rooms, th' pounce De'witt soon shawed up 'n' stairted fussing aroond aboot mah locks, whit a fruit! Th' wifie wha presented th' shaw cried Maya spoke wi' us 'n' apparenetly ah managed tae pish her aff 'n' forfeited mah free gear 'n' prostitutes, ah pure shuid learn tae keep mah muckle geggy shut, then again she wis a muckle geggy herself. She explained th' rules o' th' shaw, thare weren't ony! juist murdurr th' ither time 'n' cross th' finishing line alive, seems simple enough, th' winners tak' hame either 600 credits or 1000 in thair laddie account. We decided oan a van 'n' bike fur th' race wi' Duke riding wi' me. Maggot 'n' Felicity wid tak' th' van nae that ah cared whit happened tae thaim muckle. We met oor opponents 'n' ah wis surprised tae see Slipknot fae th' quiz shaw, wi' him wis Gordo wha hud shitty wallies, ah tried tae convince him tae shoot Maggot foremaist fur fifty credits bit he wasn't interested, pity, it wid be a stoatin opportunity tae murdurr his sorry bahookie. Th' race stairted 'n' Slipknot git aff tae a stoatin stairt oan his bike, ah hae ti admit he's nae a ill biker. We soon left Felicity 'n' Maggot behind in thair trans-jobby-van tae battle it oot. Ah wis riding at breakneck speed throught th' twsits 'n' turns o' th' coorse whin ah suddenly clocked up ahead Slipknot breaking solid, at th' lest minute ah skelp an oil slick whilk ah expertly managed tae navigate, a'm stoatin! Duke wis daein' weel, cracking aff shot efter shot at slipknot whilst Gordo returned th' favour oan yers truely,he even managed tae a hampden roar a few hits bit as a' body ken th' kurgen cannae be murdurred by conventional weapons. Th' coorse wis mair pernicketie th' further in we gaed 'n' ah soon spied a gape in th' road ahead wi' a ramp oan th' near side, a'd hae tae jump th' mither numpty, suffice tae say ah performed admirably 'n' wis soon oan th' ither side, unfortunately Slipknot succeeded as weel. Ah heard efter that Maggot haes actually dane something useful fur a chaynge except dying o' coorse, as thay approached th' gey identical ramp he autofired intae th' thair opponents van 'n' turned th' driver intae rid drow whilk caused th' motor tae crash 'n' explode, unfortunately Maggot wasn't caught in th' blast, och weel. Slipknow wis pul'in awa' sae ah gunned mah bike 'n' caught up wi' him, 'twas neck 'n' neck 'n' win wis wi`in mah grasp ainlie tae be cruelly nicked awa' seconds efter whin shithead Gordo git a jammy skelp oan me 'n' ah spun oot. Duke decided tae loup fae mah bike 'n' grab Gordo bit failed miserably 'n' skelp th' asphalt solid 'n' he left hauf his heid oan th' road. Bugger! Somehow Slipknot carried oan tae win th' race whilst ah attended tae Duke. Ah pumped fives doses o' gear intae his brain 'n' hoped fur th' best. Muckle tae mah surprise an aerial laddie ambulance turned up 'n' whisked him aff tae hopital. Ah gawked it fly awat afore starting th' lang donder tae th' finish line as mah bike wis noo weel 'n' truely goosed. We'd lost bit a'd dane weel sae ah didnae care awfy much 'n' by th' time a'd traivelt back a' body else hud ficked aff, thir's gratitude fur ye. Th' neist day Duke cam back tae jyne us efter his stint in hospital 'n' bugger me if he didnae keek lik' a slice o' corn beef, a' scars 'n' jobby! 'n' Tony Fury hud a freish BPN fur us, we hud tae murdurr three former SLA operatives wha hud turned traitor. Thair squad wis cried "Trouble" whilk is ironic as that's exactly whit ah wis aff tae be tae this bunch o' wee-lee wankers. We learned that thay regularily met up fur breakfast at a steid cried "Square Orange" sae aff we gaed 'n' soon fun th' operative cried "Nail" siiting oan his lonesome. We gaed 'n' 'n' sat doon at his buird. He mist hae realised how come we wur thare as be bitched oan aboot howfur solid his lee wis, boo pumpin' hoo ye traitorous scumbag! If thir's yin thing ah despise mair than anythin' tis a SLA operative wha turns his back oan th' gey company howfur trains thaim, pays thaim 'n' provides thair wey o' lee. Tae caw traitor is th' wirst crime in mah mynd 'n' death by torture is th' ainlie punishment, something a'm mair than happy tae arrange. Anyway thae shitheads hud raided a Karma lab, nicked some technology 'n' murdurred a scientist sae thair fate wis sealed. We teuk Nail wi' us 'n' headed fur mah apartment sae ah wid torture th' eejit tae mak' sure he wis oan th' up 'n' up. Tae mah surprise he wis shot 'n' murdurred in oor van oan th' wey. Yin o' mah schools mist hjave wimped oot 'n' given him a mercy killing 'n' ah wis sae lokking tae th' future tae peeling aff his skin. Thats a' fur noo, tune in neist time fur th' newest instalment ye lame-dicked homosexuals!

Th' kurgens Journal Chapter Ten

Richt, 'ere we gang again! We drove tae Shades uptown apartment 'n' ah mist say that 'twas gey crakin', muckle better than th' dive ah bide in. Whin we reached th' apartment thare wur twa arseholes fae th' department o' internal secutity ootdoors daein' bugger a' ah tried shooting th' breeze wi' thaim bit, unsurprisingly, thay wur unco-operative . Thay wouldn't let us ben sae as ah staun aroond smoking a cop guid someone hud th' bricht idea o' canvassing th' neighbours. Felicity spoke tae a lassie wha kent her as th' coupon o' th' homespun netwurk 'n' discovered that Void haes left a delivert address fur mail. Th' door ah knocked oan wis answered by a fellow Frother by th' name o' "Fisf Fuck" wha wis heich oan Alice at th' time. He didnae ken jobby bit we git oan lik' a hoose oan fire. Meanwhile Maggot searched Void's motor 'n' though 'twas hee haw he deduced it hud bin previously searched though ye cuid hae bund me wi a strae he didnae crawl ben 'n' lay some eggs! We drove ower tae Void's burd, a good-looking wifie by th' name o' Veronica wha hud a wee lassie. Ah asked her nicely whaur Void wis 'n' she gave me th' silent treatment sae ah skelp her a tae o' times tae shaw her ah wis in charge, dumb boot. As expected she stairted whining 'n' greetin' 'n' begging me nae tae hurt her anymair tae whilk ah responded by threatening her bairn, git a positive response thare 'n' she spilled th' beans, Void wis held up in sector twenty-one, level three, this rang a bell as we hud hud dealings wi' a scumbag criminal cried "Dreamer" thare a while back, he wis th' sort o' cowardly twat that hud tae scouk behind snippers 'n' men fur he cannae rammy his ain battles. By noo th' womans screams hud piqued th' curiosity o' yin o' her neighbours wha cam round demanding tae ken whit wis gaun oan sae ah tellt him tae pick a windae, yer leavin' 'n' mynd his ain business, sensibly he did. We hud a positive leid sae we left fur sector twenty-one 'n' gaed tae th' Milkshake boozer whilk wis a contact point fur Dreamer parntly, ah mist hae dozed aff whin ah foremaist heard that fur ah will be buggered if ah cuid mind ony o' it. Ah arrived foremaist o' coorse 'n' ordered a whiskey shoogle whilk wasn't hauf ill 'n' stared doon a group o' low-life gang members wha wur at th' neist buird. Th' rest o' Deadzone arrived eventually 'n' stairted thair usual mindless chit-chat. Th' loser wha bolted th' steid teuk a shine tae Felicity though he wis th' biggest wimp you'd ever hae th' misfortune tae catch up wi`, he kept stammering 'n' umming 'n' arrghing, juist tell her ye wanted a bugger fur fuck's sake! Sae ah butted in 'n' tried tae gie him a few pointers aboot howfur a real jimmy acts towards a wifie he wants tae shag bit he kept gaun oan aboot relationships 'n' a' that jobby sae ah lit up a cop guid 'n' tellt him tae sling yer hook. Weel reader up 'til noo Maggot hadn't dane anythin' tae pure pish me aff forby beign a stupid alien bit this wis aboot tae chaynge, unbeknowst tae me he hud poured a coffeee, walnut 'n' burboun whip ower th' ben o' mah bikes engine 'n' fucked it. Tae say ah wis crabbit wid be an understatement, ah gaed pumpin' ballistic, th' pumpin' piece o' worthless alien jobby! Fortunately fur him ah didnae discover this consecration 'til ah tried tae lea 'n' he hud awready drien aff in Felicity's shit-mobile. Bas! Sae ah hud tae rang a local mechanic tae come 'n' collect mah bike then hightailed it tae sector tweeny-one by train, och th' indignity o' public transport! Ah vowed thare 'n' then tae skin th' mindless motherfucker th' instant ah cam o'er him. Jobby, in mah fury o' recounting this stoory ah forgot an important point, Dreamer hud contacted us in th' boozer 'n' tellt us that he cuid hulp locate void if we cuid deliver a package tae Deliah at th' pit sae that's whaur we gaed foremaist. Och mah brain! Fuck trains ur slow, anyway whin ah finally arrived at th' Pit mah colleagues hud awready delivered th' suitcase 'n' ah spoke tae Deliah wha seemed pure crakin', strang wifie, she micht hae clocked that ah seemed aff wi' her efter discovering her recent betrayl tae SLA bit ah didnae mention it. Anywhy in return fur a future bugger she hud yin her sycophantic minions gimme a hurl back tae th' garage tae collect mah bonny bike 'n' 'twas in tip-top condition sae ah wis weel chuffed. She an' a' gave me some advice aboot nae cawin Maggot, Maggot 'n' mibbie murdering him wasn't sic a guid idea, ah thought lang 'n' solid aboot it 'n' finally decided she micht be richt, pumpin' hell wummin pure ken howfur tae git ben a man's heid, worse than ony drug! Mah mood hud improved whin ah arrived back wi' th' ithers sae ah geezit yin hundred 'n' fifty credits aff Maggot, err... Ah mean Uralie Darkshadow, noo thir's a pumpin' mouthful whilk is likelie whit he haes while his sexual encounters, noo, noo Kurgen be crakin'! He tried tae barter me doon bit ah git mah wey then ah wis tellt that Dreamer hud come tae th' future wi' an address fur void sae aff we gaed again. Arriving ootdoors anither dump ah charged in throught her front door as ah wantit tae let aff some steam. A womans voice that mist hae bin Shade asked how come ah wis 'ere, bonny ah kent that awreedy ye dumb, alien whore! Her 'n' Void stairted shooting thair pathetic guns as ah dove fur cover, Uralie 'n' Felicity hud caught up 'n' joined in shooting 'n' running a' ower th' placeand ah finally managed tae skelp someone wi' yin o' mah power disks bit bugger kens wha as th' steid wis black as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat. Thay blew a few holes in mah crakin' shiny freish armour, sae thay mist hae bin usin` some pumpin' muckle calibre roonds 'n' ah hud tae doon Kickstart Solos lik' thay wur aff hoorin' o' fashion, huvin run oot o' power disks tae throw ah git up 'n' charged thaim wi' mah power pure massive sword. Taste tis lip ye fuckers! Ah wis halfway thare whin th' ceiling collapsed 'n' hurtling doon cam th' wirst keekin monstrosity ah hud ever leid een oan, a huge metal motherfuckering brute hoaching with bits o' human skin, a'd heard o' thaim: "Manchines", robots wi' a god complex 'n' th' braun tae match. Thae hings made Carrions keek lik' fairy-cakes, even Void 'n' Shade shouted oot "Fuck!". Cuid this be th' end o' yers truly? o' coorse not! would ah hae tae save th' day again? o' coorse, ah pumpin' wid! Sorry tae end oan a cliffhanger bit at least that wey ye'll fash reading th' neist installment, sae sound aff lik' ye'v git as pair fighter!

Ye mist ken tis mah pumpin' journal by noo! pairt eleven

Wi'oot skipping a beat here's whit happened neist! Th' Manchine motherfucker seemed tae be checking oot th' battlefield 'n' thare wis a brief lull while ah decided whit tae dae neist. Yin o' th' dowie act traitor operatives cried oot tae gang up in order tae murdurr it bit ah dingyed him. Th' manchine seemed interested in tearing felicity a freish arsehole 'n' fur a moment th' thought seemed an bonnie yin, bit ah decided tae redirect mah aggressive tendencies towards th' metal monster in order tae save her bahookie . Felicity gaed tae th' richt while ah covered th' left 'n' atween us we finished th' manchine aff, a few stray bullets fae Uralie 'n' Duke micht hae helped a bawherr. At some point in a' th' stramash Duke threw a frag grenade at me whilk kin hae bin accidental, bit ah'ament sae sure, anyway it tore awa' at mah awready fucked armour sae ah wasn't tae chuffed. Efter we'd wasted th' Manchine we gaed efter th' ex-SLA ops 'n' teuk thaim doon wi'oot awfy much trauchle, at least yin o' thaim hud th' decency tae commit suicide honourably. Th' steid wis a fankle, wi' metal 'n' body bits aw weys, sae ah teuk oot a cop guid 'n' hud a puff tae relax. We hud tae tak' th' bodies wi' us as proof we'd dane oor jab sae while th' rest o' Deadzone argued aboot howfur tae git thaim in Felicity's shitmobile ah hoisted Void's carcass ower mah shoulder 'n' headed oot fur th' naurby train station. Och a'm sae practical! Onone oan th' train seemed tae mynd though maist o' th' commuters hud th' sense tae git oot o' mah wey. Och mah memory slipped again, we fun a bpn oan yin o' th' bodies implicating shitheel Anton Conway in th' massacre at th' Karma lab, looks lik' he hud th' ops steal some stuff 'n' us cover it up gaed hings gaed tits up, nae that we'd be able tae prove ony o' it. Arriving at SLA HQ we collected oor reward then follaed oan tae "The Pit" tae celebrate oor win. 'twas packed tio th' rafters as usual 'n' unfortunately we bumped intae oot slime bucket financier - Tony Fury. He did his usual trick o' talking bollocks at super-sonic speed afore actually making ony sense, ah think ah prefer th' bufty pie-eating basturd tae this retard. He'd bin stowed talking wi' oor sponsors 'n' th' outcome wis Duke's coupon wis sae pumpin' hackit efter his scrape o'er th' tarmac while th' Downtown Deathmatch Race that fen wur paying fur him tae hae a freish yin. Uralie wis tae shout a' day aboot his hearing aids whilst channel 50 waither wur prepared tae gies 1000cr 'n' a van providing we mentioned th' waither, och happy days!

Our new van

Deliah wis by th' boozer wi' her croonies sae ah wandered ower tae say guid day, we shot th' breeze afore she dropped a bomb-shell oan mah heid, she wanted tae git hitched tae me! purely fur advertising reasons o' coorse. She shored me a steid tae bide in her plush apartment 'n' th' biggest inducement o' a', a brand spanking freish Calahavy Excelsior in black, ah thought a'd died 'n' gaen tae a lairge drug dealership! She'd printed up some invitations whilk included mah bunch o' reprobates 'n' some ither guests anaw Felicity's loony maw, ah handed thaim oot tae Deadzone then follaed Deliah back tae her steid tae engage in some no nice ersehale throwing a sausage up a close speil, ouch! Th' neist day Fury haes anither BPN fur us, it keeked bonny mundane tae me, we hud tae pull some Shivers oot o' th' fire efter thay hud gaen missing in Downtown. We reported in efter a'd drien thare in record speed oan mah freish hurl (now cried Deathreaper III) 'n' spoke tae th' guy in charge: Sargent Openheimer, a tot gibble wha refused tae accept responcibility fur his gross incompetence, sae whit's freish ah? It turns oot that th' jag-offs kent as "The Downtown Residents Action League" kin hae bin heavy goin somehow; we'd hud th' misfortune tae catch up wi` up wi' thae ingrates afore, a bunch o' whiny, howfin, liberals wha believed thay wur bein' solid dane by. Thay shuid hae ne'er bin spurted oot o' thair da's cocks in mah opinion. Openheimer wanted us tae investigate his men's disappearance fur he coudnae fin' his bahookie wi' baith hauns. He gave us th' names 'n' addresses o' th' DTRAL’s chief trauchle makers alang wi' his informant ben thair ranks: a huey mackenzie wha wid likelie be aboot as useful as a paper frenchie. Suddenly a Shiver crashed intae his affice 'n' blurted oot that th' DTRAL wis disrupting th' sector's traffic by blockading a vital round-about 'n' jalouse wha wid be sent tae sort oot th' fankle? Ootdoors th' traffic wis at a standstill sae we hightailed it oan foot tae th' riot scene alang wi' oor speirins gang wha ah completely forgot tae mention, mist be th' Ultraviolence drug, ah think mah auld lang syne gaun. Ootdoors th' traffic wis at a standstill sae we hightailed it oan foot tae th' riot scene alang wi' oor speirins gang wha ah completely forgot tae mention, mist be th' Ultraviolence drug, ah think mah auld lang syne gaun. Bugger a'm sure a've written this doon afore! Sae we git thare tae fin' th' dtral a' ower th' steid 'n' thair ringleaders shouting oot thare woes ower megaphones. Ah wis sorely tempted tae scatter th' crowd usin` a frag grenade a'd recently purchased aff Felicity bit Duke staun up 'n' delivered sic a compelling 'n' reasoned speech that even ah considered disperseing alang wi' th' protestors. Anyway, aff thay gaed lik' scoulded lambs while we decided tae follow Edna Wokowski, yin o' th' ringleaders, capture 'n' torture her (hopefully). Though we soon lost her in th' crowd as ah wis foolishly relying oan directions given tae me by Uralie fae his rooftop vantage point 'n' o' coorse he fucked up 'n' lost her, a'm sae used tae oor groups ineptness by noo that ah teuk it in mah stride 'n' lit up a cop guid. 'til neist time fuckwads!

Christ, Pairt Twelve, a've bin a stowed laddie!

Someone tellt me that th' Downtown Residents Welfare Action League (fucked up thair name in mah lest jounral - opps!) met up at Sal's Supermarts Superfoods fur a general green aboot thier sorry bides 'n' tis whaur th' Shivers disappeared sae we decided tae investigate. Ah teuk some Beat 'n' decided tae impress th' speirins crew oan th' hurl ower 'n', o' coorse, ah succeeded admirably. Deathreaper III is turning oot gey nicely. Felicity tried her usual lame-assed trick o' trying tae run me ower bit ah rode rings aroond her sorry attempts at driving. It wasn't lang afore we arrived ootdoors th' supermart tae fin' it derelict. Felicity 'n' Uralie baith spotted some tracks whilk cuid hae bin made by a shiver APC (Armoured Personnel Carrier fur they dim wits amongst you) sae we gaed ben tae hae a gander. Unfortunately th' steid wis deserted sae ah wouldn't git tae hae a rammy, sae ah sparked up a Cop Guid 'n' let th' rest o' he squad dae th' donkey wirk. A brunt oot APC wis parked ben alang wi' four naked Shiver corpses riddles wi' bullet holes. Uralie inspected th' motor 'n' wis certain that th' computers hud bin tampered wi', mibbie fur thair security codes. Sae th' Shivers hud bin lured 'ere 'n' massacred, serves thaim richt fur bein' pumpin' boggin' if ye ask me! We radioed in that we'd fun th' Shivers 'n' despite completing th' BPN Sergeant Openheimer gave us some bullshit aboot finding oot wha hud murdurred thaim 'n' how come, as if a'body gives a bugger, bit we grudgingly 'greed in order tae git oor dosh. Juist whin ah thought this mission coudnae git ony worse we embarked oan an epic arse-numbingly boring investigation o' some o' th' DTRWL so-called gaffers. Thay wur a' a bunch o' dim-witted, sorry-arsed whiney motherfuckers wha deserved hee haw better than tae be hanged by thair baws nae that ony o' thaim hud ony! Th' ainlie avenue o' investigtion left tae us wis th' polis informer: Huey MacKenzie sae we drove tae his apartment block. Th' ainlie thing useful leid cam fae his insane landlord wha hud a severe trial o' Ailurophobia (Keek it up fuckwads!), 'n' enjoyed hee haw mair than torturing th' brassic creatures fur his ainlie peely-wally buzz. Noo dinnae git we wrong torture is a noble pursuit 'n' comes in gey haun while missions bit tae murdurr some helpless animal is wrong. Anyway this peely-wally bugger turned oot tae be a muckle fan o' Deadzone 'n' gaed oan 'n' oan aboot howfur stoatin we wur, bit ah soon pat him straecht efter telling him that he wis a low-life scumbag, he wasn't tae keen oan us efter that! He tellt us that Huey MacKenzie, th' polis informer hud left his rat-infested apartment recently 'n' th' land laird hud cried him a taxi. Th' company he'd used wis "Blue Line Taxis" sae we trotted ower tae see whaur they'd taken him. Thay tellt us he'd gaen aff tae th' spaceport 'n' seeing as thare wis a twa day hauld yer horses tae clear security we'd aye hae a guid chance o' apprehending him thare. Ah gunned mah bike 'n' crashed intae some eejit civilian wha thought 'twas a guid idea tae run a rid light, sae ah picked masell up aff th' tarmac 'n' gave him a guid slapping. Whin mah colleagues turned up thay tried tae convince me that th' light hud bin green, bit ah wis adamant, though ah hud bin hitting th' gear bonny solid recently. Th' spaceport wis muckle, bricht 'n' shiny, muckle nicer than th' squalor we'd bin used tae o' late. Ah parked mah bike ootdoors 'n' we traivelt in 'n' headed fur th' security affice. Huey hud bin spotted ben th' departure sittin room sae we disguied ourselves as janitors, surroondit him 'n' teuk him alive, muckle tae mah disappointment. Th' gallus motherfuker tellt me tae pick a windae, yer leavin' sae ah punched him in th' coupon 'n' broke his jaw whilk serves him richt! We teuk him intae custody 'n' ah gaed aboot rearranging his features tae git him tae spill th' beans aboot th' shivers 'n' wha he worked fur. Ah mist hae goosed maist o' his fingers 'n' aye he didnae crack, tough motherfucker ah will gie him that 'n' a' th' while he kept goading me 'n' 'twas a' ah cuid dae tae nae choap his boost. Eventually ah decided tae let cooler heids prevail 'n' left th' room sae Uralie cuid sweet blether him. Wance ah wis oot o' th' room he squelled lik' a stuck pig 'n' tellt us that he'd bin given 5000cr by Mirk Nicht tae lure th' Shivers tae th' supermart, he claimed he didnae ken how come bit th' sorry sack o' jobby wid likelie say anythin' tae save his worthless neck. Ony wey 'twas ah kent that awreedy by noo that Mirk Nicht wur planning tae skelp th' Shiver HQ wi' th' security codes they'd appropriated fae th' APC. We let openheimer ken 'n' soon enough he fun a lone van in th' parkiling lot packed stowed oot o' explosives, thay wur sae happy ah thought thay wur aff tae gie ilk 'n' ilka yin o' us a gobble. Boggin' cunts! ah coudnae be bothered tae gang back tae th' HQ fur th' post-mission hand-jobs sae ah headed ower tae SLA tae prepare fur mah bridle tae Deliah. Och happy days! Ah aff tae th' chapel 'n' a'm aff tae git merrit!

Unlucky fur some: pairt thirteen o' mah journal by th' kurgen.

Git merrit. Did some ither stuff. Th' end

Unlucky fur some: pairt thirteen o' mah journal by th' kurgen Part II

Hah, fooled you! And ye thought mah lest journal entry wis a' ah hud tae say aboot mah muckle day, weel tyou obviously dinnae na me that weel yit "Dear reader". Ah rode tae Deliah's apartment oan mah still-fucked bike 'n' bygane th' crowds o' media leeches waiting fur a story. She'd hud th' steid dane up crakin' 'n' bonny wi' hunners o' free gear 'n' ither jobby fur her guests tae indulge themselves. Thare wur hunners o' pure famous fowk thare 'n' in trial ah forgoat efter here's a list o' wha ah cuid mind afore ah git drugged up tae mah eyeballs: Lucy Balboa - Gorezone organiser, she asked me tae co-star wi' Deliah in an upcoming episode whaur ah speil th' "about tae git fucked husband" afore she saves me. Shored 1000cr sae ah 'greed, naturally. Jake Higgins - Calahavey Urbaniser, seemed a'richt bit declined tae endorse sponsorship, something aboot me continually crashing mah bike infront o' th' cameras, especially mah "incident" whaur ah supposedly bolted a richt light. Ony wey he gave me a free cu keyring bit forgot tae pat "The" fernent "Kurgen" sae ah wasn't tae chuffed. Mìcheal Kayton - Power Projects (armour tae ye neanderthals) wha seemed keen tae sponsor duke as ah mind. Anton Chorley - Morts tap fashion designer 'n' likelie tis biggest fudge-packer as weel. He dresses lik' a peacock oan acid 'n' spoke lik' a pig taking it up th' bahookie . Ah dingyed him while he strutted his stuff infront o' Duke, obviously efter taking a liking his freish coupon 'n' asked if he wanted tae "model" fur him, aye "model" read "sit in mah face". Queers aw weys! Kit Crawley - ans aye, she did mak' mah skin crawl, a so-called "socialite" meaning someone wha is famous fur daein' bugger a' 'n' getting overpaid tae dae it! She wanted tae advise Dead Zone oan howfur we shuid dress. Fur fucks sake crawl back under yer rock Crawley! 'n' thay wur aye comin' - a never-ending burn o' sycophantic motherfuckers! Paulo - fae Laddie, that's th' guys wha tak' yer dosh 'n' patch ye up ater yer either shot, stabbed, sliced 'n' blown tae bits. Gave us 500cr tae pat intae oor laddie accounts as a bridle the noo sae ah didnae tak' an instant dislike tae him. Thare wur plenty o' ithers wha wanted tae sook up tae th' media 'n' Deliah bit mah brain wis drug-addled by this point sae ah cannae mind a'body else, nae that a'd care tae pure. Slime-bucket Tony Fury oozed his wey ower 'n' tellt me that a'd bin a naughty laddie efter mah traffic incident 'n' hud narrowly jooked bein' penalised by SLA. Bugger thay keep gaun oan an oan aboot it, 'twas a GREEN light fur fucks sake! ah listened tae him blather oan fur a few minutes afore mah brain shutdown 'n' he finally git th' idea tae pick a windae, yer leavin'. This worm is oncom tae git oan mah tits! Och, at some point ah git merrit. 'twas a clinical loveless affair wi' some wifie asking me a series if inane questions sic as: "Do ye gree tae murdurr yer guidwife if she betrays sla?" 'n' "Do ye loue SLA?" etc... I didnae think ah juist said “Aye” 'til she stopped talking. Ah wis noo a mairried jimmy! Uralie wis certainly in demand sexually as some oriental chick wha keeked extremely fuckable asked him tae gie her a taste o' his auld trouser snake in her spasm chasm. Ah shudder tae think howfur Wraith Riders shag, likelie uise tentacles wi' suckers oan, a'd ower bugger felicity's mither, hing oan a minute, ah did!, weel she fucked me pure, clatty auld boot! Ah heard efter that she wasn't a stoatin lay bit if it gets yer rocks aff yer maw cares if she does? Unfortunately she wis th' burd o' "Entropy" a SLA op 'n' musician, noo ah'ament normally intae reels 'n' strathspeys bit this gut coudl wail, reminded me o' th' sound fowk mak' whin ah stick mah sword in thair guts 'n' th' best pairt wis ilk song ainlie lasts 35 seconds. Sae ah made a in yer heid note tae buy some o' his reels 'n' strathspeys 'n' speil it th' neist time a'm racing doon th' streets oan Death Reaper III. Speaking o' whilk ah teuk her ower tae a repair shop efter th' bridle 'n' paid 250cr fur a one-day repair jab, ah cannae be seen oot wi' a crapped-up bike noo kin ah? It turns oot that th' oriental chick wanted tae git back at entropy fur bein' sic a bell-end by huvin revenge throwing a sausage up a close or something, anyway efter oan she teuk a 10 story coup aff th' balony 'n' made herself intae a human pizza oan th' pavement below, 'twas ah kent that awreedy Entrophy hud commiited th' murder 'n' Uralie confronted him ower it. Ah cuid see a rammy aboot tae break oot atween 'n' wis duin tae choap Entropy intae pieces whin thay backed aff. Efter oan while ah wis aboot tae cut th' bridle cake wi' Deliah th' rest o' Deadzone clocked a cameraman wha seemed mair interested in filming th' bridle presents than th' bridle itself. Thay apprehended him 'n' it turned oot that he’d planted a bomb in yin o' th' presents . Deliah threw th' presents ootdoors 'n' wance she git haud o' th' camera blew th' crap oot o' thaim whilst laughing hysterically. Ah wis oncom tae hae seicont thoughts aboot bein' her guidman! We partied that nicht awa' 'n' ah efter discovered that mah guidwife hud given mah auld apartment awa' tae Felicity sae she cuid bugger her no-hoper boyfriend fae th' Milkshake hain thare. Ah left earlie tae collect mah steipend fae th' lest BPN 'n' pat mah bike intae shop. Whilst at th' SLA HQ Tony landed us wi' anither "amazing" BPN, 'twas a "don't uise violence 'n' mix wi' upperclass idiots" yin in uptown. Whin wull thay realise mah talents 'n' let me shoogly wi' mah sword? this pat me in a mirk mood as ah hadn't murdurred a'body in days. Th' mission seemed simple enough: report tae a Mr Bhaige wha tellt us tae investigate th' distribution o' 'n' mibeez aye, mibeez naw neutralise th' supply o' a non-SLA drug labelled "Glacier", 'twas th' newest heich taken by th' wealthy elite in uptown. We wur assigned a picture crew 'n' telt tae behave ourselves infront o' thaim. Th' ainlie leid he hud wis a dancin in uptoen cried "Tech-Noir" sae aff we gaed 'n' soon fun ourselves bein' turned awa' by th' clubs bouncers fur keekin lik' brassic fowk. Urlalie hud an idea tae dress us up lik' homosexuals sae we cuid git in. He teuk us tae some poncy shaps 'n' we spent a fortuin o' claes that provided na protection fae bullets whatsoever. Whit's th' fuicking point o' that? Wance we whaur ben Duke fun oot fae th' barman that th' resident Glacier dealer wis cried "Beano" sae we gaed ower fur a bawherr blether. Ah expressed an interest in th' drug 'n' efter trying a dose discovered that 'twas quality gear, far smoother than Flip o' Bass 'n' ainlie 15cr. Sae ah bought a few mair fur th' road. That's bonny muckle it 'til neist time ye massage parlour happy-endings!

Mah pumpin' journal pairt fourteen

We'd heard that th' socialite Kit Krawley cuid be fun at th' ultra-fashionable dancin "La Forsu" sae ah stopped by a newstand tae buy a magazine oan her lifestyle 'n' a copy o' th' freish album by "Entrophy", then caught th' train tae th' dancin. Th' dancin wis at th' tap o' a twa hundred foot lanky tower 'n' as ah wis aye it mah best claes ah wis allowed in alang wi' Uralie. Th' bouncers stopped Felicity at th' door as she wis dressed lik' a retard, whit a pity! Uralie a'maist jobby his-sel whin he realised he'd hae tae gang up 200 feet in an elevator whilk amused me na end, whit a fud! wance we steeped oot intae th' dancin 'twas ultra-posh wi' th' wealthy 'n' heich 'n' mighty aw weys. We wur kent by Nigel something or ither fae th' kirk, a trendy messages centre wha hoped tae gain th' patronage o' Uralie, blether aboot setting yer standards wee! He likelie juist wanted tae sook his boaby! La Forsu wis split intae four sections lik' a cross wi' a swanky boozer in th' middle, thay even hud a bondage area fur th' kinky patrons. Ah ordered th' hardest dram aroond 'n' a'maist fell ower whin th' barman tellt me th' cost: 20cr! Jobby, ah kin hampden roar twa loads o' banging gear fur that muckle! Some bufty guy cried Tarquin cam ower 'n' we asked whaur we cuid fin' Kit 'n' surprise, surprise she wis in th' bondage area, clatty boot! We fun her in a snug room oan a pretend throne surroondit by her flunkies a' dressed in bondage gear, th' glaikit boot did keek fuckable though. Efter playing aroond wi' her pet gimp (he liked a guid slapping) we git doon tae business. We wanted tae ken her "Glacier" supplier 'n' muckle tae mah surprise she gave up th' speirins fur gey wee - she wanted Deliah th' Destroyer tae say Kit chose her claes 'n' bits fur her, wummin ah? She tellt us that her agent Boab Pope wis th' Glacier supplier sae wi' oor business swiftly concluded ah stayed aroond fur annur dram 'n' a photie opportunity wi' Kit. Oan th' wey oot ah hud Uralie buy me anither dram fur 20cr 'n' efter a'd blootert it ah threw th' gless oan th' flair, weel that's whit ah aye dae at "The Pit", sae anythin' some foremaist class prick cam ower 'n' geezit that ah pay 50cr fur th' goosed gless, sae ah tellt Uralie ah wis broke 'n' he'd hae tae pay fur it 'n' th' pure mad dafty believed me, class! Ah thought noo wid be a guid time tae contact Deliah aboot th' deal we'd made wi' kit sae ah rang her apartment ainlie tae be greeted by her answering machine sae ah decided tae ring SLA HQ tae git in titch wi' her sqaud ainlie tae be tellt in na uncertain terms that SLA weren't a telephone exchange, cuid hae fooled me. Wance we reached th' ground wi'oot Uralie haein a pelter attck 'n' throwing up Felicity drove round to pick us up. She thought 'twas a funny idea tae pat lace oan mah sword 'n' armour sae ah thought it equally funny tae pat mah sword thro' th' side o' th' van. It turned oot that ah fucked th' electronics 'n' it wid cost 100cr tae fix, serves th' glaikit boot richt fur pissing me aff! Boab Hawp cuid be fun at SLA HQ sae aff we gaed in th' shitmobile. Boab wis lanky, tanned 'n' good-looking 'n' a shit-heel o' coorse. We tellt him aboot his glacier connection 'n' he shored tae cut us in oan a deal. Ah cannae staun scumbags sae ah slapped him aroond a bawherr tae whilk he teuk stoatin offense. He did tell us though that a scientist by th' name o' Ralph Morrisey wis behind th' gear design. He said that Morrisey worked fur a middle echelon drug dealer cried Jack Montana who'd hired a local bunch o' mercenaries cried "Black Pig” tae protect Morrisey fae a lairge gang cried th' "Questas". He gave us Montana's hame address sae we gaed round tae pay him a visit, wha tolsd us we cuid fin' Morrisey in a warehoose near Cannibal Sector Twa. Parntly Uralie anf Felcity wur keen tae cut a deal wi' Montana ower th' distribution rights tae Glacier weel a'd soon bugger up thair the script! Cannibal Sector Twa whilk is essentially a huge dyke surrounding th' toon wi' muckle great guns pyntin oot intae na mans lands whaur maist o' th' mutants 'n' far, far worse ekk oot a miserable existence. We approched th' warehouse 'n' fun twa main entrances 'n' a side door whilk is th' yin thro' whilk we entirt th' building. At this point in th' proceedings a'd lik' tae offer mah humble 'n' heart-felt apologies tae Mr Slayer, ah kin hae inadvertently offended him by saying that he is prideful, noo whit ah meant tae say wis that he is stoatin 'n' steals pride in evertthing he does 'n' th' media teuk it completely oot o' context, sae bonny please, dinnae braw me! We opened th' side door ainlie tae hae a grenade lobbed at oor faces. Felicty 'n' ah teuk th' brunt o' th' explosion 'n' ah charged in tae return th' favour, Uralie scalped yin wi' his sniper rifle 'n' Felicity threw a frag tae bugger thaim up some mair. Yin motherfucker survived juist lang enough fur me tae skewer him wi' mah bonny sword, och th' pain, th' pain! A corridor led onto a gantry surrounding a huge warehoose flair whaur dozens o' naked slaves wur toiling awa' manufactoring Glacier. We wur spotted by members o' th' Black Pig mercenaries wha opened fire oan us resulting in a pure mental 'n' deedly battle. I’m sorry tae say Uralie copped yin in th' heid whilk blew maist o' his disgustgn alien brains a' ower th' flair, fur fucks sake ah a'maist shat masell wi' laughter! Felicty 'n' masell charged th' twa naurby us 'n' made short wirk o' thaim efter we'd lifted thair heids fae thair spinal columns. They mercs 'boon us mist hae realised we wur a force tae be reckoned wi' 'n' did a runner goin awa us tae apprehend Morrisey, wha we fun cowering lik' a bawherr lassie in his affice. Ironically ah wis th' ainlie yin tae gie a bugger aboot Uralie's current predicament 'n' ah tried tae contact Laddie tae pat mah 1000cr intae his accoont, bit th' glaikit numpty didnae hae yin! ah tried tae ring thair offices bit didnae hae thair batch 'n' Morrisey wis aboot as muckle uise as a cock-flavoured lolly poap as he didnae even hae a telephone directory aboot th' steid. Sae ah tried SLA HQ ainlie tae be tellt fur th' seicont time th'day that thay weren't a telephone exchange. Sorry Uralie bit ah jalouse whin yer numbers up in mort tis weel 'n' truly up! Morrisey 'greed tae accompany us efter some "gentle" persuasion 'n' ah hoisted Uralie's corpse ower mah shuid 'n' dumped him intae th' back o' thwe van, wee did ah ken whit a jobby storm wis aboot tae descend upon us ower mah actions, opps! Catch up wi' me neist time fur annur thrilling installment ye premature ejaculations!

From page 23 of the evening edition of Mort Times

DEAD ZONE MEMBER GUNNED DOWN! Uralie Darkshadow, a Wraith Raider and the only non human member of Dead Zone, was murdered earlier this evening by members of an illegal SoftCo called Black Pig Armaments who had been hired by the traitor Ralph Morrissey to protect his factory where the illegal soft drug known as “Glacier” was being produced. Morrissey was apprehended by the rest of Dead Zone and now their many fans want retribution. SLA Industries always listens to its consumers and Morrissey will be appearing later today on Traitorhouse Terror to be executed in the protracted and entertaining manner which has made Traitorhouse Terror one of these most popular TV shows around. “Dead Zone are awesome, especially Flipoff who is lovely,” gushed Kevin Catchpole, an employee at the Suds Milk Bar. “That scum Morrissey needs to be ripped apart by Carnivorous Pigs for killing Darkshadow!” SHIVER Sergeant Oppenheimer of Westmore Downtown Sector told our reporter, “When we first heard that one of Dead Zone had been killed all the boys at Westmore HQ were hoping it was that retard Kurgen. We were all genuinely upset when we found out it was Darkshadow. He and Flipoff foiled a Dark Night plot that would have blown us all to kingdom come so we owe them our lives. I hope they flay that bastard Morrissey alive on TT!” Our reporter tried to get a comment from Dead Zone financier, Tony Fury, but he lived up to his name and was furious when accosted. “Millions! F**king millions lost coz of that f**king idiot!” was all he screamed at our reporter before slamming the door to his office. We must have caught him at a bad time! Entropy, whose spat with Darkshadow was one of the highlights of Delilah the Destroyer’s wedding, was allegedly overheard saying, “What? The maggot is dead? Shit! I gotta make a phone call. I wonder if I can get a refund from those guys I hired to....” Darkshadow gave his life for the successful completion of the BPN, and he is a shining example of the dedication and loyalty shown to SLA Industries by all of its employees.

Does a'body read this jobby? pairt fifteen o' th' kurgen's journal

Hud ye ever hud yin o' they days whin everything goes wrong? weel a've juist hud yin. It stairted aff wi' me picking up mah bike 'n' riding ower tae Deliah's pad, she said guid day 'n' ah did mah best tae dingy her then decided tae catch up oan some relaxation. Whilst she wis aff oan a mission ah nosed aroond th' steid 'n' happened tae come o'er a bridle caird ah hadn't spotted afore. Ben it read: "congratulations, everything is aff tae plan signed, A" whit th' bugger is that a' aboot? Wance a'd rested ah rode aff tae SLA HQ tae coupon th' jobby storm tae come. Ah met up wi' th' rest o' Deadzone whllst noticing stares elicited fae nearby SLA operatives, did thay ken something ah didnae? ah thought it best tae drap some Alice 'n' spark up a Cop Guids, ah knew something unpleasent wis aboot tae drap oan mah heid fae a stoatin height! He teuk th' hurl tae Tony Fury's affice 'n' waited ootdoors 'til he tellt us tae come in, he didnae sound a happy bunny. Wance ben he tellt us tae sit, ah prefert o staun bit he repeated th' command 'n' sounded pissed sae ah decided tae tak' th' weight aff 'n' prepare masell fur whit wis tae come. He stairted aff by reprimanding Felicity oan th' damage tae th' Channel 50 waither van (by yers truly) 'n' howfur if keeked ill fur oor sponsorship 'n' then he turned tae me 'n' erupted lik' a volcano! various expletives wur shouted at me 'n' he tellt me howfur solid his jab wis, blah blah, whit a fud! Ah tried tae explain that as he wis a desk jockey he hud na idea howfur tough 'twas oot in th' field bit that didnae placate him instead he slammed a pice o' paper doon oan his desk saying 'twas mah termination order! mah security clearance wis bein' reset tae 10 'n' th' rest o' th' squad wur noo mah bosses 'n' if ah failed tae obey ony o' thair "orders" thay hud sla's authority tae shite me 'n' claim 2000cr ilk! mynd ye it cuid hae bin worse. Fortunately th' Alice 'n' Cop Guids wur kicking in 'n' ah dozed thro' maist o' whit he said, indeed 'twas ainlie at this point that ah clocked a freish coupon in th' room, anither fuckling alien! bugger me! "it" gaed by th' name o' “Yolo Stormrunner”, an Ebon, yin o' they psychic types wi' a' thair mind-reading jobby . Ne'er trusted thaim masell, a bunch o' pumpin' weirdos if ye ask me, anyway he hud bin assigned tae oor group tae replace Uralie, sae at least he coudnae be ony worse! As he hadn't earned mah respect yit ah spent th' rest o' th' briefing making faces 'n' whispering obscenities under mah breath, "Yolo urrrgh!!" Efter Tony haes stopped haein a hert attack he gave us a freish BPN tae bugger up 'n' then gaed back tae masturbating ower a picture o' Duke maist likely. Th' newest BPN wis silver 'n' related tae th' media, lik' ah hud ony experience o' that! 'n' oor contact wis a "Derek Graefer". It heavy goin promoting some stupidly dear bits cried "Biokicks" (1500cr a pair! juist stick wi' combat bits 'n' ye cannae gang far wrong), discretion advised, noo that is funny! Graefer wis tae be fun at th' Casino change-hoose in Suburbia, nae a ill steid 'n' whilst we waited fur him Duke treatd me tae six whiskey shakes tthe boozer. Feeling pleasantly inebriated ah wis duin fur th' hours o' pointless discussion tae come. Greafer tellt us th' Biokicks promotion wis due tae tak' steid in twa days time this end eh the week at th' Merchandising March centre 'n' tae speak tae Jason Bannister aboot th' aw the info, sae aff we gaed bit nae afore ah chatted up Greafer's secretary: a middle aged cutie by th' name o' Gilian Mansfield, she tellt me tae pick a windae, yer leavin' o' coorse bit ah ken whin a wifie is playing solid tae git! Th' messages centre wis pumpin' huge, eighteen stories heich wi' a tower tae boot 'n' mair shaps than ah cuid shoogle mah sword at, ah wis aboot tae check oot th' melee weapons department whin th' rest o' th' squad suggested we git oan wi' oor mission sae ah said "yes sur, na sur, three bags stowed oot sir!" 'n' aff we gaed. We talked wi' Jason Bannister, th' centre high heid yin wha seemed lik' a a brammer, ah chatted wi' him aboot oor ma fave gear 'n' he even shored me some Flip. Ah cuid hae chilled oot in his affice fur hours bit th' rest o' Deadzone soon spoiled ony fin ah micht hae by takin wae me up business. Thay need tae learn tae chill oot. Bannister said that th' Biokick campaign wantit tae establish a connection atween random killing 'n' SLA 'n' he emphasised nae tae uise explosives 'n' as ainlie homosexuals dae ah didnae hae a kinch wi' it. Feliciy micht bit she is an insult tae Frothers evertywhere! Th' event wis tae tak' steid in th' "Fitness Locker", a ground flair hain 'n' oor liason thare wid be a "Archibald Guessler". Sae we wur advertising agents noo, sae muckle fur bein' warriors, howfur ah lassy th' Ooter Rim Wars! Sae we wur led by oor noses again tae see Guessler. Ah wis shored a cup o' cuppa, whitevur th' bugger that wis, by Guessler's secretary while we waited tae see him. Ah tried a sip 'n' it tasted worse than Ebon spunk, bit Felicity bein' th' ultimate boot that she is ordered me tae finish it aff sae ah "accidently" spilled it oan th' flair ainlie tae hae anither cup hoisted oan me! this day wis definately up thare as oan o' mah wirst. His affice wis opulent tae say th' least 'n' ah soon clocked a mingin' fresco oan his ceiling depicting inter-alien orgies, whit a peely-wally , twisted , demented bugger! Ye cuid hae bund me wi a strae he didnae jump th newest addition tae oor group, Yolo, thare 'n' then. Guessler seemed happy fur us tae wirk oot th' nitty gritty behind th' Biokick campaign 'n' tellt us tae run any ideas bygane him fur approval. He said his heid o' security, Larry Anderson wid be at oor disposal 'n' a dwraf by th' name o' Mungo wha wis th' janitor. A dwarf?, bugger me, happy times ahead! We left Guessler tae his alien pornography 'n' met Anderson wha seemed lik' a gallus guy. He explained tae us that th' centre hud twa basement levels - yin fur parking 'n' yin fur loading. We then cam tae tha highlight o' mah day, meetin Mungo! he wis a short big-headed mither numpty wi' lairge curls in his locks 'n' obviously th' best pairt o' him cam oot o' his dads boaby ower his maws bahookie ! ah coudnae hulp bit tak' th' pish 'n' soon hud tae apologise whin ordered tae by Felicity, she's aye spoilng mah fin! We a' hud ideas as howfur tae promote biokicks, mines wis tae release a horde Carrion intae th' centre 'n' hae thaim sloch thair wey thro' th' punters, bit th' ithers though it tae "extreme", we eventually gaed wi' Yolo's idea o' huvin gang bangers rammy thair wey doon thro' th' floors tae git tae th' five free pairs o' Biokicks bits in th' Fitness Shack 'n' ah kin honetsly say it wasn't a totally jobby idea, even if it did come fae an alien! While oor discussion ah spied a Shiver recruitment post 'n' asked thaim if thay knew aboot ony local gangs we cuid uise 'n' thay tellt us th' ainlie yin in th' sector wis cried th' "Mucho Locogangers" sae we gaed aff tae hae a blether wi' thaim. Macho Locos hung oot at a strip dancin 'n' brothel cried th' "Unidentified pussy", soonds a lot lik' Felicity's loue lee! thair leader wis a pure gallus guy by th' name o' "Rigo Loco", Duke tried tio sweet blether him, bit ah knowhow tae handle druggies, offer thaim some gear! ah tellt him ah hads th' lest ever doses o' "Glacier" 'n' wid haun him ower twe in exchange fur his co-operation, he wis impressed wi' mah no-nonsense wit ye hink 'n' 'greed. Jobby ah hud actually doen something useful fur a chnage, ah hawp ah nae comin' dane wi' something! That's it fur noo readers, be sure tae catch up wi' oor misadventures neist time. 'n' be sure 'n' tak' loads o' gear!

Th' lest journal o' ‘The Kurgen’, cuid be or juist pairt sixteen?

“'n' noo, th' end is near” “ 'n' sae ah coupon th' final curtain” “ye fud, ah'ament a bufty “ah will state mah trial o' whilk a'm certain” “A've leed a lee that's stowed oot “'n' ilk 'n' ilka highway” “'n' yit, muckle mair than this “ah did it mah wey” “Regrets, a've hud a few” “bit then again tae few tae mention” “bit howk, whit ah hae tae dae” “ah will see it thro' wi' na devotion” “O' that, tak' care 'n' juist” “be canny alang th' highway” “ 'n' mair, muckle mair than this” “ah did it mah wey” “Thare wur times” “a'm sure ye knew” “whin thare wis bit” “bit pumpin' else tae dae bit thro' it a'” “Whin thare wis doubt” “ah shot it up (loads o' drugs!) or kicked it oot (shame it wasn't Maggot!)” “ah faced th' dyke (and thro' it oan mah bike!), 'n' th' dyke” “'n' did it mah wey” “Fur whit's a besom” “whit haes he git” “whin he finds oot that he cannae” “say th' hings, he truly thinks” “bit ainlie th' wurds” “nae whit he feels” “th' record shows” “fur a've git na claes 'n' did it MAH WEY!” A bawherr musical interlude fur ye a' thare, I know ah'ament Entrophy bit tis th' best ah cuid dae. How come this song ye ask? fur this kin gey weel be mah lest journal entry sae pelase dinnae greet 'n' read oan... Ah jalouse a'd come tae th' end o' th' line wi' mah squad 'n' this lastest BPN wis th' snapping point. Whit wi' mah demotion 'n' th' constant bickering ah decided tae gang oot oan a bang 'n' nae a whimper. A' thay did wis blether 'n' blether 'n' thare hud bin na killing fur days! sae ah hud reached th' end o' th' line 'n' teuk matters intae mah ain hauns wi' hiliarous ootcomes as ye wull soon read aboot. Continuing oan fae mah lest journal entry we decided tae elicit th' hulp o' anither gang in th' "Biokicks" campaign 'n' a local shiver unit informed us o' "the Wanderers" led by "Joey", thay hung oot in "Sol's gam arcade" a few hours take the motor awa', sae aff we gaed. Th' steid wis a shithole 'n' we wur soon surroondit by gangbangers wha ah cuid tell hud na loue o' SLA. Thay wur bikers 'n' wur obviously impressed by mah Calahavy Excelsior sae ah let yin o' thaim tak' her oot fur a birl, muckle mistake as th' numpty rode aff 'n' ah ne'er saw him again, th' gear mist hae fucked wi' mah brain! Joey wis stowed playing auld video games whin we approched him aboot oor Biokicks idea. He ainlie seemed interested whin ah shored him a shot o' "Glacier" as an somehin` init fur me 'n' he soon signed up. Ah shuid point oot that Felicity mist hae bin considering a freish joab as a advocate as she gaed oan 'n' oan aboot th' legal points in th' SLA contract, she kin blether th' hind legs aff a carnivorous pig that yin, juist shut th' bugger up! Ah wis aye plenty pissed aboot huvin mah bike nicked by yin o' thae deid beats sae ah hung aroond tae see if he wid return. This made th' rest o' th' gang members nervous though none o' thaim hud th' baws tae dae anythin' aboot it. Eventually Yolo turned up tae mak' sure ah didnae bugger up oor agreement wi' th' Wanderers 'n' ah reluctantly left tae catch th' train hame. Ah even picked up a seezin ticket as it wid be a lang while 'til ah cuid afford a freish bike. Sae th' morns mornin' o' th' day afore th' Biokicks event we gaed back tae th' messages centre 'n' spoke fur whit seemed lik' hours aboot whit we wur aff tae dae. Felicity droned oan 'n' Yolo tried tae keep up wi' her, meanwhile Duke 'n' yers truly indulged in some milkshakes in an attempt tae alleviate th' bordeom 'n' jalouse whit? it falied! At this point ah finally snapped 'n' teuk matters intae mah ain hauns. That forenicht ah bought a power cutter 'n' some raw, bloody bridie then gaed doon intae th' basement. Ah fun th' entrance tae th' sewers 'n' sliced mah wey thro' th' metal cover 'n' dumped th' bridie near th' entrance. Mah hawp wis that th' reek woudl attract th' local Carrion population wha wid pay a surprise visit th' neist mornin'. Unfortunately th' Carrion decided nae tae be punctual 'n' entirt th' centre that forenicht whilst ah wis asleep, ye think th' fuckers cuid keep tae a time buird! anyway a'd an' a' underestimated th' sheer numbers that made it thro' 'n' oan mah return visit tae th' centre th' morns mornin' ah discovered a Third Yak speirins crews covering a massacre at th' centre by dozens o' carrions, opps! Ah teuk a keek ben 'n' realised that thare wur far tae mony o' th' fuckers fur me tae handle alone sae ah ca'd in Deadzone tae hulp, a' th' while feigning ignorance as tae howfur this sorry state o' affairs cuid hae happened, did ah see anythin'? na sur, nae me sur! Whin mah squad arrived we formulated th' brillant plan o' running at thaim headlong whilst shooting oor guns 'n' swinging oor swords 'til thay wur a' deid. Ah hud tae haun it tae th' Carrion though, thay kept fightin' 'til we wur knee deep in thair bodies. Eventually however, th' Greater Carrion "leaders" mist hae sussed that thay wur oan a losing streak 'n' retreated back intae th' sewers. We wur victorious! Ah teuk a tally o' mah kills 'n' it rounded oot at ten, nae ill fur a days wirk. Felicity tallied up seven, she murdurred a few mair wi' grenades bit as they're queer's weapons thay dinnae count. Th' crowd whilk hud gathered ootdoors th' centre wur cheering mah name 'n' ah wis hoaching with blood, if ah wis tae pay fur mah crimes then at least ah wis aff hoorin' oan a bang! Sae this kin be th' end, if SLA happened wur recording mah traitorous actions in th' basement then a'm weel 'n' truly fucked. A've heard thay reord aboot 80% o' everything an operative does, sae thir's a slim chaynge ah kin git awa' wi' it whilk wid amuse me na end. Mah ainlie regret is that ah didnae plant th' power saw in felicity's apartment! Weel tis bin a stoatin hurl ye bell ends, sae juist rememeber yin thing: "It's better tae burn oot than tae fade away!"

Bugger me ah git awa' wi' it! Chapter Seventeen o' th' Kurgen's journal

Ah mist hae a guardain angel or something fur ah thought ah wis a deid jimmy 'n' noo a'm a pumpin' hero! Follaein oan fae lest time we wur interviewed by Channel 50 speirins aboot th' messages centre massacre 'n' efter discovered that Jason Bannister hud bin fired ower th' Biokicks campaign debacle. Subsequently th' BPN wis cancelled 'n' we didn;t git pais th' 2000cr. Pity as ah knew Felicity hud her yak oan some crakin', shiny freish armour brassic lassie! Ah knew some o' th' group suspected me fur th' carrion attack oan th' centre 'n' a BPN wis issued tae investigate they responsible, sweaty clenched arsehole time! Felicity teuk tae it lik' a dug tae a juicy bane 'n' ah knew she wouldn't let gang 'til she haes her answers 'n' th' 300cr fur th' BPN, whit a fud! th' rest o' Deadzone seemed fairly ambivalent aboot it a'. Ah gaed alang wi' th' charade trying tae keek non-plussed bit ah knew ah wis ainlie a cunts locks awa' fae bein' shot. Th' foremaist thing we did wis tae check oot th' security camera footage at th' time o' th' carrion break-in in th' basement th' nicht afore. Larry Anderson wis thare alang wi' a tae o' his loser lackeys. Fortunately th' equipment thay wur usin` wis pumpin' jobby 'n' th' images grainy sae ah hud dreems. Yolo began gaun ower th' footage 'n' tae his surprise discovered that it hud bin tampered wi' though he didnae let oan at wance. Duke felt sure that th' perpetrator worked at th' centre or kin hae bin recently fired 'n' held a grudge whilst Felicity gaed tae check wi' th' shaps that sold power tools. If she git tae claise tae th' truth ah micht hae tae tak' her sorry wee boost. Bit mah luck held oot 'n' thare wur sae mony shaps tae cover she gave up. Noo this is whaur hings git fucked up: Yolo gaed up tae Larry's affice 'n' shawed him th' video footage he'd fun then shoved a psychic blade made oot o' ice thro' hsi heid, then made it keek lik' he'd taken a shot at him foremaist. Stupidly he used a caff gun whilk wid hae hud na chance o' penetrating Yolo's armour, dumb pumpin' alien! Yolo summoned th' rest o' Deadzone tae Anderson’s affice 'n' explained whit hud "happened", suffice tae say ah wis weel 'n' truly gobsmacked! whit th' bugger hud happened 'ere? bit if it git me aff th' hook, stoatin! Duke thought it wid be a guid idea tae ca' this intae SLA HQ 'n' whilst thay seemed reticent tae accept th' facts at foremaist thay acquiesed in th' end, mynd ye Duke a'maist fucked it up fur me by saying that they'd seen me buying a power cutter th' day afore 'n' howfur ah wis bein' "framed", juist clam up fur fucks sake! Ah shuid mention at this point that Felicity hud up tae this point hud a corn cob up her bahookie aboot chasing doon th' till receipts at th' various hardware stores in th' centre. Ah "volunteered" tae check thaim oot 'n' git thare foremaist thing th' morns mornin' tae destroy th' cum stain o' mah purchase whilk wis oan th' stores data slug. Ah hud tae quickly swap it oot fur a blank yin 'n' ainlie did it by th' skin o' mah wallies. Sae SLA wur happy 'n' th' BPN intae th' centre massacre wis closed 'n' ah cuid breathe a sigh o' relief, ah hud come wi`in a gnats whisker o' bein' splattered, something a'm sure Felicity wid hae loved. Ah thought it wid eb a guid idea tae retire tae "The Pit" fur some drinks 'n' blaw aff some steam sae aff we gaed. Mah bike wis aye missing (fucking gangbanger scum bags!) sae ah caught th' train 'n' met up withy a'body thare. Mah guidwife wis thare 'n' she ferr delicately suggested that we hae a quick bugger in th' toilets, och shes a real charmer that yin! efter a'd shot mah spunk up her snatch we met up wi' Tony Fury wha seemed tae hae gotten ower th' unfortunate "Glacier" incident (about pumpin' time!) Jalouse whit? he hud a freish BPN fur us, wid it involve mindless slaughter or breath stopping action?, o' coorse nae, 'twas anither o' his "discretion required" bollocks. If thare is a god please strike doon this sorry motherfucker. Anyway oor contact wis a Mr Hodges wha believed Mirk Nicht operatives kin hae infiltrated a Karma lab. He hud twa suspects: Dr Wendle something-or-other 'n' a Dr Alice (good name that!) Hughes. Oor mission wis tae git intae th' labs 'n' search fur speirins concerning a project codenamed "Drayton". We wur tae root oot th' traitors 'n' terminate thaim 'n' thair immediate families, sae na solid feelin`s thare then!, Och 'n' we wur tae trash a' th' data oan th' "Drayton" project. Piece o' cake bit then thir's aye a catch isnae thare 'n' 'twas bound tae involve th' entertainment industry 'n' lairge homosexuals wasn't it? Hodges hud th' brillant idea o' usin` th' cover o' a shitty telly shaw tae git us intae th' Karma labs. A shaw cried "it's a Barry Slice" starring Clarisa wis filming thare. Th' shows premise wis that she played a character cried katlyn Pryce wha hud th' alter ego o' "Medusa", some doolally psycho boot, soonds a lot lik' mah guidwife! As Medusa she's a super vain boot that steals offense tae ony compliment then proceeds tae murdurr then cut aff th' body pairt corresponding tae whit th' body said in th' foremaist steid, soonds wey tae complicated if ye ask me. Gimme Gorezone ony day! Sae we wur given cover stories that we wur "extras" oan th' set employed by thair heid o' security: "Brandon Presta". Then th' moment a'd bin dreading arrived, th' guider o' this piece o' jobby turned up 'n' whin he wis Duke a'maist cam ower his coupon oan th' plook. Pumpin' queers aw weys! 'n' o' coorse he gaed oan 'n' oan aboot whit a stoatin guider he wis 'n' howfur stoatin th' telly shaw wis - delusional twat. Sae he says tae me that Yolo 'n' ah wull be playing thugs wha caw up oan a bike tae threaten th' leadin` lassie wha then proceeds tae beat th' jobby oot o' us, pure? That's lik' asking Felicity tae speil a frother! He tells me tae take the motor up oan thair stunt bike 'n' execute a power skiite ootdoors th' set fur dramatic effect. A'm huvin none o' this o' coorse 'n' decide tae crash th' bike intae a nearby dyke fur dramatic effect instead, see howfur he likes that! Ah dinnae tell Yolo o' coorse as ah figure it'll be a crakin' surprise fur him, haw haw haw ! Sae, oan que, ah gun thair underpowered crappy bike 'n' heid fur th' dyke. At this point Yolo mist hae cottoned oan as tae whit ah wis up tae 'n' jumps aff goin awa me tae crash thro' th' set oan mah ain. At least ah managed tae chap ower twa actors sae it wasn't a tot failure. 'ere endeth th' lessons pencil dicks!

Chapter eighteen o' th' Kurgens journal

Whilst oan mah wey tae pick up some gear ah heard acry fae Clarissa 'n' rushed aff tae check it oot, ah fun her driver deid fae a gunshot wound 'n' her trailer wis bein' drien aff at heich speed. Ah climbed oan th' naurby bike 'n' rode aff aftre her 'n' despite th' drivers best efforts ah caught up in na time. Whit a pumpin' hero a'm! thought "what th' fuck" 'n' did th' identical, ah pulled up richt nest tae th' RV'n' jumpt fae mah bike onto th' back, bugger me if ah didnae mak' it! Ah yanked th' rear door open tae fin' some maggot in th' back rv haudin' Clarissa at gunpoint, he teuk a shot at me bit, bein' a fuckwit missed entirely, he then tried tae friten me aff by threatening Clarissa. Ah coudnae be bothered wi' chit blether sae ah pulled oot a powerdisc 'n' threw it, unfortunately th' RV mist hae skelp a dunt o' something fur it missed th' creep 'n' tore straecht thro' Clarissa's chest - opps! She died instantly o' coorse 'n' huvin fucked hings up a bawherr ah turned mah attention tae th' guy wi' th' gun. Ah gave him a guid choice die at mah hauns or throw his-sel oot o' th' rv. He chose wisely. Ah made mah wey thro' th' motor tae whaur th' driver wis 'n' tellt him tae halt, he did, then ah administered some coporal punishment oan his bahookie namely beating him wi`in an inch o' his sorry lee. Ah wis aye pounding oan him whin th' rest o' Deadzone caught up. I' stopped th' kidnapping bit murdurred th' kidnapee does that qualify as a mission fail? Answers oan a postcard please. Anyway we a' heid back tae th' picture set 'n' hae tae tak' th' verbal abuse that ensues fae th' guider "oh mah starn is deid, whit hae ye dane etc, etc" ah thought ah juist did Mort a favour as this piece o' jobby shaw wouldn't be oan th' air fur a while! Sae efter pumpin' aboot fur a day 'n' a hlaf we finally decide tae git back oan wi' th' mission, whitevur th' bugger that wis a' aboot, by this time i'v injected sae muckle jobby intae mah veis that mah heid is whirlin` 'n' ah dinnae even ken th' time o' day! Anyway Brandon (who th' bugger is this clown anyway?) tells us he noo wants tae dae a nicht shoot 'n' Deadzone, in thair inifinte pumpin' knowledge and that, cop this is as guid a time as ony tae break intae th' labs 'n' git th' "Drayton" data stuff; ah thought "Drayton" wis that freish waashin powder, richt? Ye ken: "keep yer whites whites 'n' yer colours bright!" Efter oan we're a' ben th' Karma labs offices tae hae a keek aroond. Deadzone proceed at thair usual snail nailed tae a piece-of-wood pace 'n' check oot th' layoot, cctv's elevators, stairs a' that jobby. Yer maw cares, a' offices ur th' identical in mah opinion - boring! Thare wis some o' stuff happening bit ah forgoat maist o' it sae lets fleet tae th' future tae th' guid stuff 'n' whin ah say guid ah mean "mediocre" We'd snuck bygane th' alarms 'n' ither security jobby tae break intae th' labs themselves, ah teuk point whilst Yolo 'n' Felicity cam up mah rear, err that doesn't sound richt, howfur aboot thay snuck in covering mah behind? aye thats better. Th' labs wur stowed oot o' th' sort o' tekky nonsense that ah hate (read haven't git a pumpin' scooby howfur ony o' it works) 'n' Yolo ponced aroond, pressing buttons 'n' yanking knobs whilst Felicity 'n' masell staun watch. At yin point a tae o' guards a'maist stuck thair noses in 'n' ah wis a' duin tae choap thaim aff whin thay traivelt bygane, jammy escape fur thaim ah say! Yolo teuk forever bit eventually fun th' goods 'n' be we beat oor feet oot o' thare. Och ah a'maist forgot, it seems th' "bad guy" in a' this turned oot tae be yin o' th' doctors that worked thare, weel bugger me! btw whilk yin dae we murdurr again? As pairt o' oor mission wis tae murdurr they responcible anaw thair families Deazone then proceeded tae hae a moral argie as tae howfur we shite thaim. Some weans wur heavy goin sae Duke said explosives wur a "humane" choice, seems a bawherr extreme if ye ask me! Anyway aff he goes tae buy some o' th' hings that gang "boom!" whilei wis left alone wi' th' rest o' mah sorry excuse fur a squad. God a'm sae stoogied! Ah waited aroond fur awhile bit ah wis grawin mair 'n' mair restless. Ah decide t heid oot tae th' traitor's hoose masell 'n' finish th' jab, at least by then ah cuid git back tae some killing. Ah bolted fur th' train station 'n' caught th' neist train thro'. A'm sittin` oan th' train noo writing mah journal, th' stations flit bygane mah windae 'n' everything seems sae peaceful...

All things come to an end

I found these journal pages blowing about on the wind. As far as I can tell they are all here. Perhaps I should explain to the readers why they ended up blowing about and why the Kurgen never finished his journal. Felicity As the Kurgen reports, we were at karma labs posing as security guards while they filmed for 'it's a Barry Slice'. We had managed to sneak away and find the information we needed to reveal Alice Hughes was the traitor and were waiting for the filming to complete before going to her home so as to not blow our cover. Duke spotted the Kurgen running off while he was outside smoking a feel good. He called him on his communicator and got a very strange reply about chasing someone and definitely not heading for the train station. Duke suspected the Kurgen had got bored and had decided to go and deal with the traitors without us. Not wanting the Kurgen to mess up another BPN he called the rest of us to warn us. I was unable to slip away quickly so Duke and Yolo took the van and drove off without me. When I managed to get away I flagged down a taxi and ordered the driver to take me to Alice Hughes’s Home. The taxi knew the best route so I was leaning nonchalantly on the front gate when Duke and Yolo arrived. Luckily there was no sign of the Kurgen yet so we picked the locks and snuck into the house. I wentr upstairs with Yolo while Duke kept watch downstairs. Alice was asleep with her husband and children and were easily dispatched. While doing so we heard a loud explosion from downstairs. When we went down to investigate it turned out that Duke had hidden the explosives he bought earlier by the front door. When the Kurgen had arrived Duke triggered the explosives to perform a humane execution as he ran through the front door. So the last thing to ever go through the Kurgens mind was his left boot, and I had to pick up the pages of his journal from all over the front lawn. Duke explained that he had got fed up with the Kurgens increasingly irratic behaviour and had decided to remove the problem before he took the whole team with him. We claimed the Kurgen had gone rogue and claimed both the Karma lab BPN and the one Tony Fury retroactively activated for the Kurgen.

Epilogue

Excerpts SLA Internal Security File G5-357-KD3-WR9: Frothers The killing of The Kurgen by Duke was necessary and for good of SLA Industries. The Kurgen was a massive liability and started to lose us money. Unfortunately his behaviour inspired many younger Frothers graduating from Meny Academy in the months after his death. They tried to emulate his maverick approach and placed this ideology before the needs of the Company. Two steps were taken to deal with this: firstly more rigorous indoctrination has been introduced into the curriculum for any individual who have profiles suggesting excessively high drug consumption; secondly Karma funded to begin work on adding control elements into Ultra Violence. In addition the Department of Media produced several programmes in which Frother clan elders analysed footage of The Kurgen in action and denounced his methods. Initial results have been positive and we conclude that provided these processes are maintained there is still a role for Frothers to play within SLA Industries. They are the most willing cannon fodder we have yet to find. Excerpts from Mort 913 Who’s Who After leaving Dead Zone, Duke accepted the offer made to work “It’s a Wonderful Slice” TV programme. He was initially in charge of crowd control during location shoots but quickly worked his way to become the show’s Producer. His rise saw the marginalisation of the show’s PR expert, Sena. The rumour mill suggests that she got hold of some compromising footage of Duke from when he was part of Dead Zone. Shortly after this Sena disappeared, and to this day has not been seen again. There was no evidence pointing towards Duke but his contract was bought out a few months after Sena vanished as ratings were falling. Duke had been doing some modelling for Anton Cholo and he now turned his attention to his modelling career. Under Cholo’s guidance Duke’s profile and fame grew. He has since been voted The Face of Mort for the last 6 years running, and his regular appearances as a guest commentator on Downtown Death race are rumoured to earn him upwards of 20,000 credits an episode. Excerpts from “The Sound and Fury: The Tony Fury Autobiography” Felicity always was very loyal. She was loyal to me, even though she could have easily got a bigger name Financier after she became famous; and she always stuck with her very first sponsor, Homespun Knitwear. I remember the first time she was sponsored by Multi Job Lacerates after she did so well as a Channel 50 Weather News anchor – and it was a really big deal - they gave her a bespoke Power Claymore as part of the deal and the first thing she did was tie a Homespun Knitwear scarf to the handle. She was loyal to Kevin as well. After Felicity moved from Channel 50 Weather New News to front Celebrity Party Gatecrashers on Channel 23 she had all kinds of offers for marriage, and some were from really big players. To shut them up she married Kevin, and that took guts because it wasn’t a great career move. But we weathered it. I was devastated when Kevin took the assassin’s bullet for her at one of Entropy’s parties, especially as he had ethical issues with LAD so never opened an account. But from the perspective of Felicity’s career it was a real game changer. The public sympathy for her was phenomenal and after that she could do no wrong. That was when we both got really rich, so thanks Kev for taking one for the team. Excerpts from DarkNight Personnel File DN-55-46.04_KLN: Yolo Stormrider After several years working covertly to undermine SLA in such Operative Squads as The Terrible Trio, Clancy’s Cleavers, Dead Zone and The Imperators, Yolo was activated for a mission to assassinate Anton Kenway, an odious individual who had managed to establish a significant power base for himself within the Internal Affairs division. This activation would blow Yolo’s cover so he was to rendezvous with small team of fellow Ops who were also being evacuated off world; together they would get through the sewers to Cannibal Sector 2, then cross CS2 to the Wastelands to rendezvous with our foldship. Yolo’s mission was a success but the squad of Ops he was to meet failed in their mission and were all killed. Yolo had to fight his way through the sewers and CS2 alone. When he made it to the foldship he’d lost his left arm and right eye and was barely alive. After a long period of recuperation back on the Dark Night home world he was attached to the staff of the Director of Mort Operations where his years of experience on the SLA home world proved invaluable. When the Director retired Yolo was promoted into the role, and continues in this capacity today having engineered some spectacular success in our ongoing fight against the corruption of SLA Industries.

Last updated: August 14, 2014